well yeah, im moving house in real life but im also electronically moving house...
im now to be found at hijinks and adventure in the smoke
i liked the name so i couldn't let it go.... :)
more there! AND there are videos as well! :)
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Death Cab for Cutie
i am amazed. bewildered. in awe.
i went to see Death Cab for Cutie tonight. it was spectacular. brilliant. an incredible feeling of utter calm. it was a physiological reaction. i felt it in every fibre of my being. in a moment where i felt quiet, with no one else in my head i knew that every moment i had lived up until now was for now. every time i cried, laugh, felt pain, joy, boredom. every time nothing happened, every huge moment has been pushing me towards here, now, this moment.
that must be what zen feels like.
i had forgotten thats what movies feel like, thats what music feels like, thats what a good book feels like. it was revolutionary, it was revelatory.
suffice it to say it was nearly perfect.
i went to see Death Cab for Cutie tonight. it was spectacular. brilliant. an incredible feeling of utter calm. it was a physiological reaction. i felt it in every fibre of my being. in a moment where i felt quiet, with no one else in my head i knew that every moment i had lived up until now was for now. every time i cried, laugh, felt pain, joy, boredom. every time nothing happened, every huge moment has been pushing me towards here, now, this moment.
that must be what zen feels like.
i had forgotten thats what movies feel like, thats what music feels like, thats what a good book feels like. it was revolutionary, it was revelatory.
suffice it to say it was nearly perfect.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
food
i have just remembered food. i haven't been eating properly, rather i have been eating but its been mostly takeaway, but this morning
[afternoon really]
i made pasta with snap peas and mushrooms. making coffee at the same time, the steam just came up into my face, reminding me how incredible food is. that first sip of coffee, that delicious just burnt taste, the way it envelopes my tongue and restarts my brain. it reminds me of every times of warmth and safety.
i've been having a lot of those moments recently. sitting in a pub feeling my jugular vein just amazed at my pulse. blood rushing through my veins, my heart pumping it and i cannot understand why it keeps going...but it just keeps going. its amazing. incredible. beautiful and fills me full of awe.
its really quite nice.
[afternoon really]
i made pasta with snap peas and mushrooms. making coffee at the same time, the steam just came up into my face, reminding me how incredible food is. that first sip of coffee, that delicious just burnt taste, the way it envelopes my tongue and restarts my brain. it reminds me of every times of warmth and safety.
i've been having a lot of those moments recently. sitting in a pub feeling my jugular vein just amazed at my pulse. blood rushing through my veins, my heart pumping it and i cannot understand why it keeps going...but it just keeps going. its amazing. incredible. beautiful and fills me full of awe.
its really quite nice.
Monday, July 7, 2008
panic attacks in the morning...
what a wonderful feeling! no, i had a panic attack this morning as my applications are STILL not sent
[waiting for ONE last recommendation...argh!]
and i realise how much, how very very much i want to stay. so i am doing what i can, and stopping worry about the things that i can't control. im going to get the application in and done, and then i had the BEST realisation...i can apply for the february session as well. and that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world! if i don't get in in september, then hopefully ill get in in february....
thank god for rolling admissions and i am hoping, praying to the universe that i can stay. because it is right. it is what i need now.
i love it here. i am so happy...
[waiting for ONE last recommendation...argh!]
and i realise how much, how very very much i want to stay. so i am doing what i can, and stopping worry about the things that i can't control. im going to get the application in and done, and then i had the BEST realisation...i can apply for the february session as well. and that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world! if i don't get in in september, then hopefully ill get in in february....
thank god for rolling admissions and i am hoping, praying to the universe that i can stay. because it is right. it is what i need now.
i love it here. i am so happy...
Saturday, July 5, 2008
the movie hangover feeling.....
unfortunately it has been FOREVER since i had a movie hangover...which sucks...but i am constantly reminded that thats why i go to shows....
i have been really lucky
[with my life in general]
and specifically thursday, friday and today....i am going to O2 wireless festival...yes a VERY corporate festival, but whatever, its Hyde Park, its sunny and good people are playing...oh yes, its free!
so thursday was interesting...the festival started, and the clouds were certainly threatening
[one of the reasons i love london is the fact that it can go from being fucking hot to a scary ass downpour in seconds]
roisin murphy was on stage, what a fucking nutcase, with the costumes and the performance...i liked her, not so much the music, a tad repetitive for my tastes but i could definitely see why she is popular, and rightfully so...
ok so halfway through the set it was like the sky just fucking lost it. torrential rains, scary biblical type rains...people screaming trying to get to the nearest tent, and it was fucking cold... but roisin murphy continued on, impressive.
AND THEN, it sorta stopped, well enough for us not to be fussed about going outside. we went and stood where Hot Chip were about to come on. they did and started. but they couldn't hear themselves, the beats were out of sync, etc...they said fuck this, we're coming on again. so the technicalities were fixed and they came out and started. And the sun broke. people's umbrellas came down, cheers went up and the rest of the genius set was played in sunshine.
hot chip are incredible. not only are the phenomenal musicians, really interesting beats created, the samples and the sounds fitting together in a fantastic way, the words fabulous and hilarious and thoughtful, BUT they are ALSO awesome performers. you just want to watch them play, want to see how they move and how they present themselves on the stage. its just really fucking cool.
THEN there was mark ronson, interesting, not AMAZING, but enjoyable to watch.
BUT jay-z came on. now i am sorta partial to rap, sometimes. but he is just awesome. a really generous performer, loving the fact that the crowd loves him and loves them right back. he also did two politically motivated songs. i swear when obama gets elected it will be partially due to jay-z and conor oberst. then he did a song about katrina...heartbreaking.
then friday. more amazing then i can handle to be honest. i met conor oberst. one of the nicest men i have EVER met. so genuine and looks you in the eye while talking to you. generous and gorgeous and sweet with beautiful songs. he played a song for us, there were three, THREE people in the room. i will never forget things like that. and then i saw BECK live. i will probably NEVER get over that. he is just an incredible artist, yes he is a crazy scientologist, but we knew the fucker was mad as a hatter anyway, so who the hell cares! he is amazing. he did a fantastic mix of old stuff and his new, brilliant stuff. he played every amazing song he has
[well not every one, cos that show would be like 10 hours long, i don't think there is one of his songs that i don't like]
but i was just so struck by him
[a little jesus lookin, or at least how i think a jesus type would look today, black on black, red tshirt, ray bans, a fedora, old well loved guitar, with long blonde hair and a 5 piece band]
but also by his awesome band. a chick guitarist who was just the embodiment of cool, a geeky ass bassist who was fantastic, drummer who knew his shit, and the two crazy weird noise makers....whatever i was floating. i am dying to see him again, would LOVE to see him in a show where its only him and the people who fucking love him.
we had to bounce before morrissey. now i like international playboy but the rest of his stuff not so much, plus morrissey fans tend to be asses and i just didn't want anything to ruin the high i had.
now today is a dancy day [not that the other two days haven't been] but some smaller bands which will be cool. does it offend you yeah is playing which will be awesome.
[im hoping we can engineer a way to get the physics to support them...heres hoping]
but mostly today is a chilled out day, no interviews for e, just essentially chilling out, drinking some and hopefully meeting up with a after the festival...if he ever texts me back!
good days....
i have been really lucky
[with my life in general]
and specifically thursday, friday and today....i am going to O2 wireless festival...yes a VERY corporate festival, but whatever, its Hyde Park, its sunny and good people are playing...oh yes, its free!
so thursday was interesting...the festival started, and the clouds were certainly threatening
[one of the reasons i love london is the fact that it can go from being fucking hot to a scary ass downpour in seconds]
roisin murphy was on stage, what a fucking nutcase, with the costumes and the performance...i liked her, not so much the music, a tad repetitive for my tastes but i could definitely see why she is popular, and rightfully so...
ok so halfway through the set it was like the sky just fucking lost it. torrential rains, scary biblical type rains...people screaming trying to get to the nearest tent, and it was fucking cold... but roisin murphy continued on, impressive.
AND THEN, it sorta stopped, well enough for us not to be fussed about going outside. we went and stood where Hot Chip were about to come on. they did and started. but they couldn't hear themselves, the beats were out of sync, etc...they said fuck this, we're coming on again. so the technicalities were fixed and they came out and started. And the sun broke. people's umbrellas came down, cheers went up and the rest of the genius set was played in sunshine.
hot chip are incredible. not only are the phenomenal musicians, really interesting beats created, the samples and the sounds fitting together in a fantastic way, the words fabulous and hilarious and thoughtful, BUT they are ALSO awesome performers. you just want to watch them play, want to see how they move and how they present themselves on the stage. its just really fucking cool.
THEN there was mark ronson, interesting, not AMAZING, but enjoyable to watch.
BUT jay-z came on. now i am sorta partial to rap, sometimes. but he is just awesome. a really generous performer, loving the fact that the crowd loves him and loves them right back. he also did two politically motivated songs. i swear when obama gets elected it will be partially due to jay-z and conor oberst. then he did a song about katrina...heartbreaking.
then friday. more amazing then i can handle to be honest. i met conor oberst. one of the nicest men i have EVER met. so genuine and looks you in the eye while talking to you. generous and gorgeous and sweet with beautiful songs. he played a song for us, there were three, THREE people in the room. i will never forget things like that. and then i saw BECK live. i will probably NEVER get over that. he is just an incredible artist, yes he is a crazy scientologist, but we knew the fucker was mad as a hatter anyway, so who the hell cares! he is amazing. he did a fantastic mix of old stuff and his new, brilliant stuff. he played every amazing song he has
[well not every one, cos that show would be like 10 hours long, i don't think there is one of his songs that i don't like]
but i was just so struck by him
[a little jesus lookin, or at least how i think a jesus type would look today, black on black, red tshirt, ray bans, a fedora, old well loved guitar, with long blonde hair and a 5 piece band]
but also by his awesome band. a chick guitarist who was just the embodiment of cool, a geeky ass bassist who was fantastic, drummer who knew his shit, and the two crazy weird noise makers....whatever i was floating. i am dying to see him again, would LOVE to see him in a show where its only him and the people who fucking love him.
we had to bounce before morrissey. now i like international playboy but the rest of his stuff not so much, plus morrissey fans tend to be asses and i just didn't want anything to ruin the high i had.
now today is a dancy day [not that the other two days haven't been] but some smaller bands which will be cool. does it offend you yeah is playing which will be awesome.
[im hoping we can engineer a way to get the physics to support them...heres hoping]
but mostly today is a chilled out day, no interviews for e, just essentially chilling out, drinking some and hopefully meeting up with a after the festival...if he ever texts me back!
good days....
Monday, June 23, 2008
is it wrong?
so im watching Dexter. the second series of it. this episode, an inconvenient lie, Dexter goes to NA. he has this cathartic moment when he says that he is feeling something for people who never mattered before. and it scares him.
is it wrong to understand and even identify with a character that is supposed to be a serial killer. i know i know, all you out there who know me well would say, well of course she does...AND i know that the whole point of the show is to show that anyone is really a minutiae away from stepping over that line...or is it trying to...i dunno...anyway...that's what really struck me minutes ago.
it sounds a little crazy and a little melodramatic, i know. but im going through something a little hard right now. someone has gotten under my skin...that hasn't really happened to me in a long while and its hard. i have just gotten the last one out of my system, i wasn't ready to have another worm its way in...i guess thats how it goes though. you can't get over someone until you fall for another one. but i don't know this one that well, is my imagination really THAT good?
i feel stupid. like i am going to go through these cycles of unbelievable happiness followed by a whole lotta pain followed by feeling not much for a long while.
i guess its shocking to feel intensely again, maybe thats what this is about. im out of practice, but how does this get easier? should it get easier? do i want it to get easier?
then again, do i want to fall deep and hard for someone over and over again in quick cycles? would that be possible or would my heart harden from the stress...
and through all this, my brain rages, it feels pretty stupid to be making such a deal over a boy i've met a handful of times...
i think i just want the excitement back. yes. i miss that.
is it wrong to understand and even identify with a character that is supposed to be a serial killer. i know i know, all you out there who know me well would say, well of course she does...AND i know that the whole point of the show is to show that anyone is really a minutiae away from stepping over that line...or is it trying to...i dunno...anyway...that's what really struck me minutes ago.
it sounds a little crazy and a little melodramatic, i know. but im going through something a little hard right now. someone has gotten under my skin...that hasn't really happened to me in a long while and its hard. i have just gotten the last one out of my system, i wasn't ready to have another worm its way in...i guess thats how it goes though. you can't get over someone until you fall for another one. but i don't know this one that well, is my imagination really THAT good?
i feel stupid. like i am going to go through these cycles of unbelievable happiness followed by a whole lotta pain followed by feeling not much for a long while.
i guess its shocking to feel intensely again, maybe thats what this is about. im out of practice, but how does this get easier? should it get easier? do i want it to get easier?
then again, do i want to fall deep and hard for someone over and over again in quick cycles? would that be possible or would my heart harden from the stress...
and through all this, my brain rages, it feels pretty stupid to be making such a deal over a boy i've met a handful of times...
i think i just want the excitement back. yes. i miss that.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
wowza!
its been nearly a month since i last posted....oops.
quite a lot has happened thus far. i came back to london,
[woot!]
and then to california to spend time with the loves of my life, my dearest friends. it was incredibly important to do and a wonderful time.
oh! i also turned 23 in that month away....i got MASH, the entire series of it. so i have been steeped in it for the last few weeks. which is amazing, excellent and all other hyperboles to describe it. there are so many things that this show does that are so important. and it makes you laugh at the same time. just genius...
im very very tired recently, i think im still recovering from jet lag the first time around...i have a lot to do, apply to university, among them....im really nervous about the whole thing....
i wish i could write more now but i just can't right now...i hope ill get to it soon.
but for now...bye!!!
quite a lot has happened thus far. i came back to london,
[woot!]
and then to california to spend time with the loves of my life, my dearest friends. it was incredibly important to do and a wonderful time.
oh! i also turned 23 in that month away....i got MASH, the entire series of it. so i have been steeped in it for the last few weeks. which is amazing, excellent and all other hyperboles to describe it. there are so many things that this show does that are so important. and it makes you laugh at the same time. just genius...
im very very tired recently, i think im still recovering from jet lag the first time around...i have a lot to do, apply to university, among them....im really nervous about the whole thing....
i wish i could write more now but i just can't right now...i hope ill get to it soon.
but for now...bye!!!
Friday, May 16, 2008
waiting
while waiting for the science of sleep to come on, i am watching the last half hour of practical magic. it is nowhere as good as the book, but no matter what i am always effected by it.
[well im always effected by family stuff, no matter how bad, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, sisters...]
its at times like this that i realise i am a sap. a total and utter sap. its accelerated by the fact that i am going back to london tomorrow. its the right thing and i am so excited for it but its always hard to leave my family. especially after being here for so long.
its completely cheesy but i love my family. they are so cool and funny and smart and comfortable. i mean they are not without their flaws as everyone is but those are flaws that i can handle and embrace even.
the one
[well there are many]
bright side to leaving is that i get to see my sister at the end of next week. something i always am excited for. i really do love her, no matter what. that is an intense bond that no one and nothing can usurp.
im really lucky. i know that. and it makes it that much harder
[and a huge amount easier]
to live my own life.
but now...the science of sleep.
a fantasy world that i can repair to.
a corner of my mind that someone else has created.
[well im always effected by family stuff, no matter how bad, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, sisters...]
its at times like this that i realise i am a sap. a total and utter sap. its accelerated by the fact that i am going back to london tomorrow. its the right thing and i am so excited for it but its always hard to leave my family. especially after being here for so long.
its completely cheesy but i love my family. they are so cool and funny and smart and comfortable. i mean they are not without their flaws as everyone is but those are flaws that i can handle and embrace even.
the one
[well there are many]
bright side to leaving is that i get to see my sister at the end of next week. something i always am excited for. i really do love her, no matter what. that is an intense bond that no one and nothing can usurp.
im really lucky. i know that. and it makes it that much harder
[and a huge amount easier]
to live my own life.
but now...the science of sleep.
a fantasy world that i can repair to.
a corner of my mind that someone else has created.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Neverwas
i am watching a film called Neverwas. it is a brilliant and magical film. it is the story of a man coming to terms with his father's mental illness and magical world he created. this film is quickly becoming one of my favourites. it has incorporated insanity, fantasy and a journey for truth, played out in the relationship between parent and child.
the line between insanity and fantasy is so thin, one mans delusion is another's fairy tale. it makes one think about the definitions of reality.
[warning- a pedestrian sentence...]
what is so great about the standard definition of reality. i so want magical realism to be real, and for me it is a good deal of the time, but i want to wholeheartedly believe in it in a way that i just can't yet. mostly because i am afraid if i do give in, then i will be disappointed in my imagination or ...well...committed.
what really got me up to write was the relationship between parent and child. in the film, the father [creator of Neverwas] was dealing with manic depression amongst a score of other things that go along with it. but the thing that struck me was the fight he was having against the black hole that was swallowing him as he fell deeper and deeper in love with his son. how does one balance that? balance what goes on in the deepest, darkest parts of ones mind, soul, psyche and the dependence of a child or loved one.
i wonder sometimes, why my fascination with mental illness. the easy thing to wonder is is it because i fear my own mind, do i fear what my mind is capable of...but in good moments i don't actually believe i have anything to fear from mental illness. an overabundance of thought, quite possibly. but sometimes i do worry if i let the thought run rampant, its course as i know it wants to, will i descend into madness? i also worry that i wont. that i dont actually have it in me. that i am utterly normal.
the film is diverging into a brilliant path. it is when reality clashes with someones delusion and what happens to those caught in the middle of it.
we could all do with a little more fantasy in our lives. more symbols, metaphors that become real enough to us to help us through when we deem life to be mundane. i think that is the reason for imagination. life is hard, cruel and cold at times. relationships between people and the relationship one has with the imaginary is the only way to survive with your soul in tact.
[i know i am going to look back on this and think, how trite but these are the thoughts animating my soul]
i so wish i could be more like G, fascinated by light playing on glass, bits and bobs floating in the air. i am this way, i just forget i guess.
the ending line is 'once again i lived as i dreamed'
i hope one day i can have the strength to do exactly that.
the line between insanity and fantasy is so thin, one mans delusion is another's fairy tale. it makes one think about the definitions of reality.
[warning- a pedestrian sentence...]
what is so great about the standard definition of reality. i so want magical realism to be real, and for me it is a good deal of the time, but i want to wholeheartedly believe in it in a way that i just can't yet. mostly because i am afraid if i do give in, then i will be disappointed in my imagination or ...well...committed.
what really got me up to write was the relationship between parent and child. in the film, the father [creator of Neverwas] was dealing with manic depression amongst a score of other things that go along with it. but the thing that struck me was the fight he was having against the black hole that was swallowing him as he fell deeper and deeper in love with his son. how does one balance that? balance what goes on in the deepest, darkest parts of ones mind, soul, psyche and the dependence of a child or loved one.
i wonder sometimes, why my fascination with mental illness. the easy thing to wonder is is it because i fear my own mind, do i fear what my mind is capable of...but in good moments i don't actually believe i have anything to fear from mental illness. an overabundance of thought, quite possibly. but sometimes i do worry if i let the thought run rampant, its course as i know it wants to, will i descend into madness? i also worry that i wont. that i dont actually have it in me. that i am utterly normal.
the film is diverging into a brilliant path. it is when reality clashes with someones delusion and what happens to those caught in the middle of it.
we could all do with a little more fantasy in our lives. more symbols, metaphors that become real enough to us to help us through when we deem life to be mundane. i think that is the reason for imagination. life is hard, cruel and cold at times. relationships between people and the relationship one has with the imaginary is the only way to survive with your soul in tact.
[i know i am going to look back on this and think, how trite but these are the thoughts animating my soul]
i so wish i could be more like G, fascinated by light playing on glass, bits and bobs floating in the air. i am this way, i just forget i guess.
the ending line is 'once again i lived as i dreamed'
i hope one day i can have the strength to do exactly that.
Monday, May 12, 2008
pondering...it really is a great word
i sit here waiting for a file to render in final cut pro
[so i can actually get some work done]
and pondering
[ i do love that word, its like defenestration or marinate among many many more]
weather or not i should take a nap in front of the tv so that i can get up in a few hours and get a proper amount of work done, or if i should give up the ghost and just do the work tomorrow.
knowing me i will decide to take a nap in front of the tv but then will sleep through the time i want to work and just be pissed off at myself.
ah well, i can always try.
i have discovered a blog, a friend of mine is writing Thoughts Of Utmost Importance From A Great Mind its really quite funny. and strange in the best way possible.
i saw iron man tonight. it was hella cool. just amazing. fun, hilarious and entertaining. robert downey jr is genius. absolutely holding his position as one of my all time favourite actors ever.
i wish i was more witty at this moment, i want to be writing something interesting about television or politics or i dunno...something. but i am pretty dry at the moment. slightly stuck in this world of limbo. of unknowing
[or rather not knowing]
of waiting. stalling. it has been a good period of time for me though, let me understand that i am doing the right thing, moving to london for such an extended period of time. i just hope the universe thinks its a good idea as well.
im very frustrated that i feel so disengaged from the world. like imin a cocoon of some sort. maybe soon i can break out of it...
[so i can actually get some work done]
and pondering
[ i do love that word, its like defenestration or marinate among many many more]
weather or not i should take a nap in front of the tv so that i can get up in a few hours and get a proper amount of work done, or if i should give up the ghost and just do the work tomorrow.
knowing me i will decide to take a nap in front of the tv but then will sleep through the time i want to work and just be pissed off at myself.
ah well, i can always try.
i have discovered a blog, a friend of mine is writing Thoughts Of Utmost Importance From A Great Mind its really quite funny. and strange in the best way possible.
i saw iron man tonight. it was hella cool. just amazing. fun, hilarious and entertaining. robert downey jr is genius. absolutely holding his position as one of my all time favourite actors ever.
i wish i was more witty at this moment, i want to be writing something interesting about television or politics or i dunno...something. but i am pretty dry at the moment. slightly stuck in this world of limbo. of unknowing
[or rather not knowing]
of waiting. stalling. it has been a good period of time for me though, let me understand that i am doing the right thing, moving to london for such an extended period of time. i just hope the universe thinks its a good idea as well.
im very frustrated that i feel so disengaged from the world. like imin a cocoon of some sort. maybe soon i can break out of it...
Friday, May 9, 2008
greetings from across the ocean
though not so across the ocean i guess...i am back in the US for a while. an unknown period of time that i am hoping is not all THAT long. it sounds horrible i know. but its not.
i love home. love it. thats part of the problem. the longer i stay here the harder it is for me to leave. plus there is all this stuff going on at home that i really want to do.
but the point isn't to complain. i have realised recently that mostly i used this area to ease my pain in the beginning. to soothe my loneliness and to keep me busy. but now that i am busy-crazy busy- im not writing. its sad. because the only record i have is the bad times and little snippets of the good things.
an update then...i am good. really really good. frustrated now but really really good anyway. i have amazing friends here and in london, a close supportive family and a job which while is very taxing, is one i love dearly.
i get to push myself and grow creatively while meeting cool people. i like it.
i was going to write about CSI now, the brilliance of the show and all that. i think i need to start using this space to talk about television and film in the way that i ramble to my friends about. its like publishing an academic essay without the bruhaha of all that. which is good, talk bullshit but not force anyone to actually listen to me:-)
i guess i will write in one of my journals and transcribe it to here. yes, this is what i shall do...my brilliance will come soon!
i love home. love it. thats part of the problem. the longer i stay here the harder it is for me to leave. plus there is all this stuff going on at home that i really want to do.
but the point isn't to complain. i have realised recently that mostly i used this area to ease my pain in the beginning. to soothe my loneliness and to keep me busy. but now that i am busy-crazy busy- im not writing. its sad. because the only record i have is the bad times and little snippets of the good things.
an update then...i am good. really really good. frustrated now but really really good anyway. i have amazing friends here and in london, a close supportive family and a job which while is very taxing, is one i love dearly.
i get to push myself and grow creatively while meeting cool people. i like it.
i was going to write about CSI now, the brilliance of the show and all that. i think i need to start using this space to talk about television and film in the way that i ramble to my friends about. its like publishing an academic essay without the bruhaha of all that. which is good, talk bullshit but not force anyone to actually listen to me:-)
i guess i will write in one of my journals and transcribe it to here. yes, this is what i shall do...my brilliance will come soon!
Monday, April 21, 2008
look at them go!
We Are The Physics Are [not just] OK at music!!!
how cool! the single of the week. just out today...
so lets see...update. camden crawl, chaos indeed. for my first festival i feel like it went pretty well. next time round, i shall be more pushy, know more faces, do more.
[i always say that]
but this time its true. however, i am quite happy with everything, learning new things. for someone who just loves technology with no real education in it, my learning curve is not bad!
who did i see.... Im just going to write about the highlights as the others are not really worth the time.
Youthmovies. awesome. just fucking fantastic. such a phenomenal live show. so passionate and in their own bubble without being up themselves.
Metronomy- unbelieveable. just amazing, not something i would have thought i would like, but i truly do, sorta techno, but more than that. can't really explain it, plus they have a hella cool light show. you know those press on lights? well they wore them on their chests and did choreographed dances....awesome? Yes.
Slow Club- never thought i would enjoy a girl and guy two peice that describe themselves as making 'sunny pop' but man oh man they blew me away entirely. its not just sunny happy pop, which is its, but its also energetic and intense.
We Are The Physics- of course. thought they were brilliant, but then again, im not sure there is anything they could do to change my opinion! maybe if they murdered a small puppy, but i doubt they could ever do that...
saturday night was kind of special....so exhausted so i didn't see much-
Duels- quite good. not my music at all but they cared about what they were doing so that was impressive.
tried to see Future of The Left as they sounds really good, but it was packed so couldn't get in. also wanted to see Florence and the Machine, Bombay Bicycle Club, Post War Years, The Ghost Frequency and Does it Offend You Yeah? did see Lykke Li from Sweden. shes a pop singer but surprisingly good. which was cool.
also folk-y type people, check out Noah and the Whale. if i liked folk pop i would like them. they are like Wes Anderson turned into folk music without the darkness. so its a little sweet, but they are pretty cool. so....
did see One Night Only. good lord they are bad. that is all.
but i DID get to see the wombats. which makes me absurdly happy. they are pop. pure and simple. but awesome pop that is fun and enjoyable and bouncy. their crowd was violent and scary, but they seemed to love it. plus they played my two favourite songs whilst i was there which rocked!
I didnt put links to most of these because that would take loads of time and really i want you to check out these specific bands.
anyway, i have loads to sort through in the next few days to prepare me to go home, which i am so excited about i can't really stand it! but it will keep me busy and i can say all in all, it was a great few exhausting days!
how cool! the single of the week. just out today...
so lets see...update. camden crawl, chaos indeed. for my first festival i feel like it went pretty well. next time round, i shall be more pushy, know more faces, do more.
[i always say that]
but this time its true. however, i am quite happy with everything, learning new things. for someone who just loves technology with no real education in it, my learning curve is not bad!
who did i see.... Im just going to write about the highlights as the others are not really worth the time.
Youthmovies. awesome. just fucking fantastic. such a phenomenal live show. so passionate and in their own bubble without being up themselves.
Metronomy- unbelieveable. just amazing, not something i would have thought i would like, but i truly do, sorta techno, but more than that. can't really explain it, plus they have a hella cool light show. you know those press on lights? well they wore them on their chests and did choreographed dances....awesome? Yes.
Slow Club- never thought i would enjoy a girl and guy two peice that describe themselves as making 'sunny pop' but man oh man they blew me away entirely. its not just sunny happy pop, which is its, but its also energetic and intense.
We Are The Physics- of course. thought they were brilliant, but then again, im not sure there is anything they could do to change my opinion! maybe if they murdered a small puppy, but i doubt they could ever do that...
saturday night was kind of special....so exhausted so i didn't see much-
Duels- quite good. not my music at all but they cared about what they were doing so that was impressive.
tried to see Future of The Left as they sounds really good, but it was packed so couldn't get in. also wanted to see Florence and the Machine, Bombay Bicycle Club, Post War Years, The Ghost Frequency and Does it Offend You Yeah? did see Lykke Li from Sweden. shes a pop singer but surprisingly good. which was cool.
also folk-y type people, check out Noah and the Whale. if i liked folk pop i would like them. they are like Wes Anderson turned into folk music without the darkness. so its a little sweet, but they are pretty cool. so....
did see One Night Only. good lord they are bad. that is all.
but i DID get to see the wombats. which makes me absurdly happy. they are pop. pure and simple. but awesome pop that is fun and enjoyable and bouncy. their crowd was violent and scary, but they seemed to love it. plus they played my two favourite songs whilst i was there which rocked!
I didnt put links to most of these because that would take loads of time and really i want you to check out these specific bands.
anyway, i have loads to sort through in the next few days to prepare me to go home, which i am so excited about i can't really stand it! but it will keep me busy and i can say all in all, it was a great few exhausting days!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
a hello from off the reservation
this is not about anything, its merely because i haven't said hello in a while. at some point, when i am not freaking out about visa stuff, passport stuff, work stuff, dont have people saying in my room et cetera et cetera so on and so forth; i will write something witty and entertaining, not the least of which will be informative.
however, while i sit here with two friends asleep, having decided not to shower and thus have way more time than i expected i shall give an update.
sister came down-awesome. god i love her. she is so funny and cool and easy to hang around with. i really do miss having her around.
then a few days of no one, back to my life, no memorable live music in a while, but loads of work. i think i told everyone that the embassy was a breeze and i should be getting my brand spankin' new passport soon, like today or the next...
then sunday two americans came down, awesome again. haven't seen them in a while so its been very nice. plus theres two of them so they can take care of each other.
listening to you ask? well, Tokyo Police Club's new album is downright fucking awesome. so incredibly psyched to see them in ummmmmm......13 days!
[i have linked a few times to them and am far too lazy to do so again, so this post will be link free]
[a cup of tea nearly fell on a friends head-could have been bad]
We Are The Physics of course. Camden Crawl this weekend baby! and im going to add Islands to the mix soon. so not much has changed, but the single Tessellate kind of epitomizes how i feel right now. perfect soundtrack song.
i am not ready to go home. i mean i am ready to see my family, eat some amazing food, see my friends and generally be a sloth for two weeks, but i am certainly not ready to give up this amazing life. i love it here. it is everything i had hoped and more. surprisingly more.
the fantasy i had is no match for the reality i have.
also- if i get to stay, a friend at york might be moving down here in the fall and i will have a proper roommate! so that will be more than exciting.
also i have created a plan in which i get to go back to the states twice in the summer and one of them will be partially for work so....heres hoping my ingenious plans work out
[aka i have cash for it
i have visa for it
i know i will have time for it]
i love the sun. especially here- so i leave you with the thoughts of the brilliant George Harrison
here comes the sun and its alright.
however, while i sit here with two friends asleep, having decided not to shower and thus have way more time than i expected i shall give an update.
sister came down-awesome. god i love her. she is so funny and cool and easy to hang around with. i really do miss having her around.
then a few days of no one, back to my life, no memorable live music in a while, but loads of work. i think i told everyone that the embassy was a breeze and i should be getting my brand spankin' new passport soon, like today or the next...
then sunday two americans came down, awesome again. haven't seen them in a while so its been very nice. plus theres two of them so they can take care of each other.
listening to you ask? well, Tokyo Police Club's new album is downright fucking awesome. so incredibly psyched to see them in ummmmmm......13 days!
[i have linked a few times to them and am far too lazy to do so again, so this post will be link free]
[a cup of tea nearly fell on a friends head-could have been bad]
We Are The Physics of course. Camden Crawl this weekend baby! and im going to add Islands to the mix soon. so not much has changed, but the single Tessellate kind of epitomizes how i feel right now. perfect soundtrack song.
i am not ready to go home. i mean i am ready to see my family, eat some amazing food, see my friends and generally be a sloth for two weeks, but i am certainly not ready to give up this amazing life. i love it here. it is everything i had hoped and more. surprisingly more.
the fantasy i had is no match for the reality i have.
also- if i get to stay, a friend at york might be moving down here in the fall and i will have a proper roommate! so that will be more than exciting.
also i have created a plan in which i get to go back to the states twice in the summer and one of them will be partially for work so....heres hoping my ingenious plans work out
[aka i have cash for it
i have visa for it
i know i will have time for it]
i love the sun. especially here- so i leave you with the thoughts of the brilliant George Harrison
here comes the sun and its alright.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Yay!
one of my favourite videos is up. The Physics have put the video up on their websites. these boys are wonderful, amazing boys. and by watching the video you shall see the silly side of them...now, there were moments where they were very serious...discussing physics and art and other stuff...but it doesn't really make a good video. so i made them silly.
but i have a feeling, when i get the time, i will show everyone that side of them...
who knows.
i like it, they like it. everyone is happy.
enjoy!
but i have a feeling, when i get the time, i will show everyone that side of them...
who knows.
i like it, they like it. everyone is happy.
enjoy!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
a break
a
[sort of]
break from the musical world.
and by that i mean i am sitting here listening to the new Raconteurs album. which is pretty rockin' by the way. sorta epic southern rock. like the white stripes but more massive, like sitting on the porch, drinking hard sweet-tea while a major concert goes on on the front lawn.
im a fan.
anyway, the reason im writing is not to talk about music.
[though i am particularly proud of a new Physics behind the scenes video im working on]
im reading this article on the huffington post. its about Hilary Clinton and how she is just whingeing on and its just starting to look bad. it made me very upset because even though i dont agree with her, or want her to be the nominee, i do want to continue to respect her. and this is getting harder and harder. she is playing a political game that Obama just is not. and its continually making her look bad, i fear she will turn into a joke and how much would that suck for the first
[i might be wrong on that]
female presidental candidate to turn into a punch line. now, im not going to say she should drop out of the race for the good of the sex or whatever, im just saying she should, really, be a better candidate.
in honesty, its pretty cool. at least in the democractic side, the populous is choosing the better candidate, Obama is doing the thing that politicians
[at least i hope]
want to do, they talk about it all the time at least. they want to create a new politics. he has and we are responding.
i just wanted to say, from across the pond, go us!
ps- mom, when im home, remind me to play this for you, its the next generation of the stuff you keep trying to get us to listen to, which, though we moan, we actually like...
[sort of]
break from the musical world.
and by that i mean i am sitting here listening to the new Raconteurs album. which is pretty rockin' by the way. sorta epic southern rock. like the white stripes but more massive, like sitting on the porch, drinking hard sweet-tea while a major concert goes on on the front lawn.
im a fan.
anyway, the reason im writing is not to talk about music.
[though i am particularly proud of a new Physics behind the scenes video im working on]
im reading this article on the huffington post. its about Hilary Clinton and how she is just whingeing on and its just starting to look bad. it made me very upset because even though i dont agree with her, or want her to be the nominee, i do want to continue to respect her. and this is getting harder and harder. she is playing a political game that Obama just is not. and its continually making her look bad, i fear she will turn into a joke and how much would that suck for the first
[i might be wrong on that]
female presidental candidate to turn into a punch line. now, im not going to say she should drop out of the race for the good of the sex or whatever, im just saying she should, really, be a better candidate.
in honesty, its pretty cool. at least in the democractic side, the populous is choosing the better candidate, Obama is doing the thing that politicians
[at least i hope]
want to do, they talk about it all the time at least. they want to create a new politics. he has and we are responding.
i just wanted to say, from across the pond, go us!
ps- mom, when im home, remind me to play this for you, its the next generation of the stuff you keep trying to get us to listen to, which, though we moan, we actually like...
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I'm back!
the blog was labelled as a spam blog and deleted! i have no idea why i was listed as a spam blog...stupid electronic people who check these things! its only further proof that no matter how good artificial intelligence gets, we are still decades, eons even away from any sort of A.I. world.
[but hopefully when we get there, it will be more a stanley kubric type vision than a sentimental soppy speilberg vision...do i actually mean that? im just not sure....i know i dont like speilberg...but kubric, his mind was quite scary...]
So...its been a while, i have been up to Scotland and back since we last spoke, working very hard and getting ill and in dire need of some rest...cue easter and the four day weekend that comes along with it...YAY.
Scotland was awesome, way fun. We Are The Physics are possibly my favourite band right now as they are amazing, well, up there with Islands who are also amazing. The Physics were way cool as people, sweet boys, with whom i spoke about b-movies from the '50s on and well...physics. it was more of something michael singer was interested in as a hobby.
[the physics are a quartet with three of them being named michael. the other is called chris. so they call themselves, michael singer, michael drums and michael guitar and chris]
it was a good time. then the next day i helped out Pete
[editor of rocklouder and 'rock photographer]
do a photo shoot with Manda Rin which was hella fun. i got to play set dresser and photo assistant. i like that stuff. its way cool.
then the weekend, G was here, which was great to see him. then sleep then work. this week was interesting. Panic At The Disco, was monday, two interviews, broke the band up into twos, the first sucked. they were awful, the second two were lovely. then an interview with Youthmovies who were just fantastic boys. so the day ended on a high. the rest of the week went pretty much like that, it was a quiet week which ended early.
[thank god]
its snowing outside right now. how strange, i like it though...its pretty...
lets see what else, got way way drunk
[in a good, happy way]
on thursday. out at a club, which i havent been out like that forever, and heard all the songs i like to listen to over a very loud soundsystem. its really great being in a place that does that. part of why i moved here....
things are good here, its all going nicely, exactly what i thought it was going to be which is nice. always room for surprise, but i look forward to that...
more tv, more west wing
[because it is the god among all things, yes i am starting again, yes, it is a way of life...]
i watched a deeply embarrassing Sydney White, which i realised very much after the fact that it was a gigantic mixture of fairy tales. um....duh....oh well. i really watched it for one of the actors, no not whats her fuck, amanda bynes, but for a guy called jack carpenter. adorable geeky boy not too stereotyped...im excited for his career, he is very cool.
anyway, that was my embarrassing admission for this post, i am going to go watch another episode of criminal minds.
[thank god for streaming television...]
[but hopefully when we get there, it will be more a stanley kubric type vision than a sentimental soppy speilberg vision...do i actually mean that? im just not sure....i know i dont like speilberg...but kubric, his mind was quite scary...]
So...its been a while, i have been up to Scotland and back since we last spoke, working very hard and getting ill and in dire need of some rest...cue easter and the four day weekend that comes along with it...YAY.
Scotland was awesome, way fun. We Are The Physics are possibly my favourite band right now as they are amazing, well, up there with Islands who are also amazing. The Physics were way cool as people, sweet boys, with whom i spoke about b-movies from the '50s on and well...physics. it was more of something michael singer was interested in as a hobby.
[the physics are a quartet with three of them being named michael. the other is called chris. so they call themselves, michael singer, michael drums and michael guitar and chris]
it was a good time. then the next day i helped out Pete
[editor of rocklouder and 'rock photographer]
do a photo shoot with Manda Rin which was hella fun. i got to play set dresser and photo assistant. i like that stuff. its way cool.
then the weekend, G was here, which was great to see him. then sleep then work. this week was interesting. Panic At The Disco, was monday, two interviews, broke the band up into twos, the first sucked. they were awful, the second two were lovely. then an interview with Youthmovies who were just fantastic boys. so the day ended on a high. the rest of the week went pretty much like that, it was a quiet week which ended early.
[thank god]
its snowing outside right now. how strange, i like it though...its pretty...
lets see what else, got way way drunk
[in a good, happy way]
on thursday. out at a club, which i havent been out like that forever, and heard all the songs i like to listen to over a very loud soundsystem. its really great being in a place that does that. part of why i moved here....
things are good here, its all going nicely, exactly what i thought it was going to be which is nice. always room for surprise, but i look forward to that...
more tv, more west wing
[because it is the god among all things, yes i am starting again, yes, it is a way of life...]
i watched a deeply embarrassing Sydney White, which i realised very much after the fact that it was a gigantic mixture of fairy tales. um....duh....oh well. i really watched it for one of the actors, no not whats her fuck, amanda bynes, but for a guy called jack carpenter. adorable geeky boy not too stereotyped...im excited for his career, he is very cool.
anyway, that was my embarrassing admission for this post, i am going to go watch another episode of criminal minds.
[thank god for streaming television...]
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
okey dokey now, long time coming
this one is going to be a boring list of the links to the latest videos up across the three sites. i know i should be doing both, but hey, get off my back. at least i am doing one. and if you are really lucky, really nice to me, maybe i will clue you all in on my little insignificant life.
It Hugs Back In session these guys were so sweet, so quiet, so i dunno, great.
Interview with Adam Green alas, didn't get to meet him, but loved cutting his footage. Very weird, very New York...
Becoming a Better You with We Are Scientists Did i get to meet them...YES! hilarious, wonderful and yes, just as sexy in person.
Does It Offend Does It Offend You, Yeah? This was fun, nice guys, and i got into their afterparty because Morgan recognised me. Hells yes!
That is all for Fake DIY
And now...Clickmusic...
Interview: Elbow They were very cool. Just awesome really.
Interview: Mystery Jets Surprisingly sweet considering im not sure about their music, but they won over this hard hearted girl.... and they did an acoustic version of their single Young Love, annoyingly sweet and poppy, but i warn you, it will certainly warm the cockles... Mystery Jets in session
Interview: Nada Surf Actually, this one wasn't me, it was one of the guys that came in to do work experience for us...
Finally, Rocklouder
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. Actually, pretty good for a guy on a guitar...not my thing
[outside of Adam Green really]
but hey...
So thats it for now. the more stuff that goes up, i will try to keep up. Friends of the Bride, Islands who were amazing, and beautiful, especially the lead singer, in that uber-indie boy way. Extremely dry, which i found hilarious, but might not translate that well... and more.
im off to scotland on thursday. stupidly early in the morning, but hey, i'll have the whole train ride to sleep. and then shooting video so a podcast can be cut out of it. i just learned that i am shooting for a professional who makes pod-casts. im not jealous that im not going to be editing it, really not at all, but more terrified that i am not going to shoot the right things, get enough footage, whatever. i have NEVER considered myself a camera person. but i gotta suck it up i guess. i mean this is my job.
and tonight i emailed like 40 people saying hi, i am the new video person. now i am going to be insanely busy. but hey, i might as well act like im staying. oh! i post off my visa application tomorrow. exciting! scary! all sorts of emotions...
personally? why do you ask? im good. everything is just quite good right now. getting back into the swing of things, just watch you will read in a few weeks, how i need something to happen, not that i dont love my job of course, but i want to fall in love! or whatever. god im predictable.
anyhow, now, i am good, going to watch Numb3rs and *eventually* make myself some food.
It Hugs Back In session these guys were so sweet, so quiet, so i dunno, great.
Interview with Adam Green alas, didn't get to meet him, but loved cutting his footage. Very weird, very New York...
Becoming a Better You with We Are Scientists Did i get to meet them...YES! hilarious, wonderful and yes, just as sexy in person.
Does It Offend Does It Offend You, Yeah? This was fun, nice guys, and i got into their afterparty because Morgan recognised me. Hells yes!
That is all for Fake DIY
And now...Clickmusic...
Interview: Elbow They were very cool. Just awesome really.
Interview: Mystery Jets Surprisingly sweet considering im not sure about their music, but they won over this hard hearted girl.... and they did an acoustic version of their single Young Love, annoyingly sweet and poppy, but i warn you, it will certainly warm the cockles... Mystery Jets in session
Interview: Nada Surf Actually, this one wasn't me, it was one of the guys that came in to do work experience for us...
Finally, Rocklouder
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. Actually, pretty good for a guy on a guitar...not my thing
[outside of Adam Green really]
but hey...
So thats it for now. the more stuff that goes up, i will try to keep up. Friends of the Bride, Islands who were amazing, and beautiful, especially the lead singer, in that uber-indie boy way. Extremely dry, which i found hilarious, but might not translate that well... and more.
im off to scotland on thursday. stupidly early in the morning, but hey, i'll have the whole train ride to sleep. and then shooting video so a podcast can be cut out of it. i just learned that i am shooting for a professional who makes pod-casts. im not jealous that im not going to be editing it, really not at all, but more terrified that i am not going to shoot the right things, get enough footage, whatever. i have NEVER considered myself a camera person. but i gotta suck it up i guess. i mean this is my job.
and tonight i emailed like 40 people saying hi, i am the new video person. now i am going to be insanely busy. but hey, i might as well act like im staying. oh! i post off my visa application tomorrow. exciting! scary! all sorts of emotions...
personally? why do you ask? im good. everything is just quite good right now. getting back into the swing of things, just watch you will read in a few weeks, how i need something to happen, not that i dont love my job of course, but i want to fall in love! or whatever. god im predictable.
anyhow, now, i am good, going to watch Numb3rs and *eventually* make myself some food.
Friday, March 7, 2008
well crap....
so i got my bag stolen on tuesday. some jerk sat down right behind me for like 10 minutes, and very slyly swiped my bag. i was sitting right there with like 8 of my friends.
it sucks. all my id was in there
[stupid i know, photocopies everyone, photocopy everything!]
passport, id, visa, all my cards, not so much money...but still. now i have to wait until 1 april to get an appointment to apply for a new passport. luckily, my visa has been replaced right quick, so i do have something from an authority with my picture on it saying who i am, which is better than nothing i guess.
and my drivers license wont come until april as well...stupid, no proof of age...
[on the upside, i have learnt how to spell the word license...]
and it was such a good night too...my co-workers birthday i was excited. then this...on the other hand, everyone was so great about it. really helpful. and my english J came and spent time with me because i didnt want to be alone.
so really, the best situation in one of the worst...
meh, things are getting back to normal, just a bit of excitement to remind me that i am human and that i am not all-lucky....
:-)
it sucks. all my id was in there
[stupid i know, photocopies everyone, photocopy everything!]
passport, id, visa, all my cards, not so much money...but still. now i have to wait until 1 april to get an appointment to apply for a new passport. luckily, my visa has been replaced right quick, so i do have something from an authority with my picture on it saying who i am, which is better than nothing i guess.
and my drivers license wont come until april as well...stupid, no proof of age...
[on the upside, i have learnt how to spell the word license...]
and it was such a good night too...my co-workers birthday i was excited. then this...on the other hand, everyone was so great about it. really helpful. and my english J came and spent time with me because i didnt want to be alone.
so really, the best situation in one of the worst...
meh, things are getting back to normal, just a bit of excitement to remind me that i am human and that i am not all-lucky....
:-)
Monday, March 3, 2008
its been quite a while.
this is becoming a pattern with me. i really need to get into a habit of writing at least a little each day.
its really hard to keep my mind alert and interesting working everyday.
but its been really good thus far. just going along, doing my job, meeting famous people who are good at their jobs, travelling extensively in London and slowly making friends with my coworkers.
ive been thinking today about the power of words. the power of naming things. it stems from a conversation i was having in canterbury.
[i went down this weekend, saw K, and D and B and A [of course] which was great. Ended up staying longer than i expected, but it was lovely and wonderful. thought i am pretty emotionally and physically exhausted]
words are important. and powerful
[duh]
and make real things that are frightening or ephemeral.
i dunno, its pretty silly because it is pretty obvious. anyway, things are good, really good. im happy, living a life that is mine. i hope i can live it for a little while longer at least.
i dont know, i guess im just happy to be here and now and me...
its really hard to keep my mind alert and interesting working everyday.
but its been really good thus far. just going along, doing my job, meeting famous people who are good at their jobs, travelling extensively in London and slowly making friends with my coworkers.
ive been thinking today about the power of words. the power of naming things. it stems from a conversation i was having in canterbury.
[i went down this weekend, saw K, and D and B and A [of course] which was great. Ended up staying longer than i expected, but it was lovely and wonderful. thought i am pretty emotionally and physically exhausted]
words are important. and powerful
[duh]
and make real things that are frightening or ephemeral.
i dunno, its pretty silly because it is pretty obvious. anyway, things are good, really good. im happy, living a life that is mine. i hope i can live it for a little while longer at least.
i dont know, i guess im just happy to be here and now and me...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
This may make some uncomfortable
this post is going to be a little more personal than i normally do. well, i guess thats not entirely true. all of these posts are personal, but this is the kind of personal i dont tend to talk about.
[except to my girls who i tend to talk to so much about this im sure its irritating.]
it was sparked by a show i went to last night. it was an acoustic we are scientists show. it was great for a number of reasons. but the thing that has stuck in my brain and has not left. the lead singer was gorgeous. i mean hot.
[it makes me cringe to say it, but its just the right word]
amazingly blue eyes, funky weird indie hair
[with gray in it to boot!]
beautiful cheekbones and so on and so forth. it absolutely wows me how many beautiful people there are in the world. it makes me wonder why anyone settles for those who are not extraordinarily pretty
[or at least those who they think are extraordinarily pretty]
i dont know what i am talking about now. basically, i dont want to settle
[yes this is the totally superficial post]
for someone i am not crazy go nuts in awe of their beauty. but then again, really, who is that pretty in real life. what real people look like the movie stars and rock stars we all adore, its part of the reason they are the rock and movie stars.
then again....i have some absolutely gorgeous friends. i know some incredibly pretty people. i just wish i could fall in love with one...
if wishing made it so
[except to my girls who i tend to talk to so much about this im sure its irritating.]
it was sparked by a show i went to last night. it was an acoustic we are scientists show. it was great for a number of reasons. but the thing that has stuck in my brain and has not left. the lead singer was gorgeous. i mean hot.
[it makes me cringe to say it, but its just the right word]
amazingly blue eyes, funky weird indie hair
[with gray in it to boot!]
beautiful cheekbones and so on and so forth. it absolutely wows me how many beautiful people there are in the world. it makes me wonder why anyone settles for those who are not extraordinarily pretty
[or at least those who they think are extraordinarily pretty]
i dont know what i am talking about now. basically, i dont want to settle
[yes this is the totally superficial post]
for someone i am not crazy go nuts in awe of their beauty. but then again, really, who is that pretty in real life. what real people look like the movie stars and rock stars we all adore, its part of the reason they are the rock and movie stars.
then again....i have some absolutely gorgeous friends. i know some incredibly pretty people. i just wish i could fall in love with one...
if wishing made it so
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Hello!
its been a while...i know.
but i am just getting used to the idea of working and doing my own stuff. i guess thats kinda the whole deal. where workaholics come from. balance. its elusive at the moment, but im trying. at least i am aware that i need to find that elusive balance.
but i love the tube, i sit there and listen to whatever im in the mood to listen to
[the hives, the holloways, tokyo police club...whatever]
i plot, hatch plans and write in a brown paper journal.
anyway, i am psyched my sister is back on this side of the ocean. i have an amazing job, with fantastic benefits
[concert tickets, cool people to hang out with...jealous yet?]
and hope that i can do some stuff for Stayaways boys as they are some of my favourite people in the world at the moment.
i also have some amazing news...i may be able to stay here.
[as i listen to giggling from the next room. i love it.]
my boss
[i have a boss called Rupert, have i said this yet?]
is in the process of applying for a visa for me to stay. i can't quite believe it. but i figure that if i get it, i am meant to stay, if i don't then i go home, hang out, start again, and work towards that utopian dream with my friends...
things are really good here.
links to new stuff i have made by the way...the boring stuff!
The Courteeners
Young Knives
In Session: Young Knives
Panic At The Disco
Go:Audio
Go:Audio Goes Acoustic
its great. the editors very much like me and my work. its wonderful, i love the encouragement and well...they all love me. awesome. they are so very cool.
:-)
so happy
but i am just getting used to the idea of working and doing my own stuff. i guess thats kinda the whole deal. where workaholics come from. balance. its elusive at the moment, but im trying. at least i am aware that i need to find that elusive balance.
but i love the tube, i sit there and listen to whatever im in the mood to listen to
[the hives, the holloways, tokyo police club...whatever]
i plot, hatch plans and write in a brown paper journal.
anyway, i am psyched my sister is back on this side of the ocean. i have an amazing job, with fantastic benefits
[concert tickets, cool people to hang out with...jealous yet?]
and hope that i can do some stuff for Stayaways boys as they are some of my favourite people in the world at the moment.
i also have some amazing news...i may be able to stay here.
[as i listen to giggling from the next room. i love it.]
my boss
[i have a boss called Rupert, have i said this yet?]
is in the process of applying for a visa for me to stay. i can't quite believe it. but i figure that if i get it, i am meant to stay, if i don't then i go home, hang out, start again, and work towards that utopian dream with my friends...
things are really good here.
links to new stuff i have made by the way...the boring stuff!
The Courteeners
Young Knives
In Session: Young Knives
Panic At The Disco
Go:Audio
Go:Audio Goes Acoustic
its great. the editors very much like me and my work. its wonderful, i love the encouragement and well...they all love me. awesome. they are so very cool.
:-)
so happy
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
an update...
a quick update as i am getting over being ill and am still getting used to getting up and working everyday.
[oh the laziness has deep roots. i did kind of like having a strange schedule, though i could make it that way, but i have too much work to do...]
wow, im a responsible adult. strange.
anyhow, the update is this, two videos of mine are up more should be coming down the pike...enjoy!
rocklouder.co.uk-paramore
clickmusic.co.uk-guillemots
im quite proud of the guillemots thing, its pretty strange, they are cool and bizarre. dont like their music that much-their single
["get over it" out march 25?]
is pretty good though.
by the by...mgmt, has hit it pretty big...they are pretty awesome. everyone should be getting into their stuff
brilliant lyrics written by strange boys
surf/jungle/country
awesome.
[oh the laziness has deep roots. i did kind of like having a strange schedule, though i could make it that way, but i have too much work to do...]
wow, im a responsible adult. strange.
anyhow, the update is this, two videos of mine are up more should be coming down the pike...enjoy!
rocklouder.co.uk-paramore
clickmusic.co.uk-guillemots
im quite proud of the guillemots thing, its pretty strange, they are cool and bizarre. dont like their music that much-their single
["get over it" out march 25?]
is pretty good though.
by the by...mgmt, has hit it pretty big...they are pretty awesome. everyone should be getting into their stuff
brilliant lyrics written by strange boys
surf/jungle/country
awesome.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
i missed it again!
damn damn damn. i keep forgetting that never mind the buzzcocks
[one of the best shows on television]
is on at 9pm on thursdays. crap. oh well, thank god for internet television.
i went today to see a blood red shoes perform at an instore at sister ray. a pretty
[apparently]
famous record shop in soho. they were outstanding. it is a duo from brighton who make these kick ass punk rock songs, that are also so rock'n'roll. laura-mary sings and plays guitar
[and she is so incredibly cool and sexy and incredible]
she was ill and couldn't sing, so the drummer, stephen, did the set alone. it was only five songs but singing and playing the drums
[especially the way they sing]
is unbelievably hard. he is hardcore punk rock. im impressed and want good things for them. great songwriters and interesting musical arrangements.
rock on rock on
it was great...
[one of the best shows on television]
is on at 9pm on thursdays. crap. oh well, thank god for internet television.
i went today to see a blood red shoes perform at an instore at sister ray. a pretty
[apparently]
famous record shop in soho. they were outstanding. it is a duo from brighton who make these kick ass punk rock songs, that are also so rock'n'roll. laura-mary sings and plays guitar
[and she is so incredibly cool and sexy and incredible]
she was ill and couldn't sing, so the drummer, stephen, did the set alone. it was only five songs but singing and playing the drums
[especially the way they sing]
is unbelievably hard. he is hardcore punk rock. im impressed and want good things for them. great songwriters and interesting musical arrangements.
rock on rock on
it was great...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
some very very good news
i have a job. a real life grown up job.
i am running the video department of a consortium of online music magazines. it is run by a network called sonic network. and the magazines are as follows...
www.clickmusic.co.uk
www.thisisfakediy.co.uk
www.rocklouder.co.uk
anyway, i am really very excited. its is amazing. a real paying job. i will be able to pay for rent, food, transport and other fun stuff all by myself.
plus, there is a chance that they will see if they can get me a visa and stuff. so i have to make it good.
its exciting and scary because i not only do i want to do well for me, but i am dying to impress them.
and to top it all off, at lunch i ran into matt, the guitarist from the rakes. its a sign, and a pretty fucking great one.
anyway, that is all for now, i am tired. actually getting up and doing stuff is really exhausting. but i shall get into the swing of things and have many interesting stories to tell and more things to talk about.
at some point i want to talk about heath ledger, the election amongst other things...more to come, more to come...
i am running the video department of a consortium of online music magazines. it is run by a network called sonic network. and the magazines are as follows...
www.clickmusic.co.uk
www.thisisfakediy.co.uk
www.rocklouder.co.uk
anyway, i am really very excited. its is amazing. a real paying job. i will be able to pay for rent, food, transport and other fun stuff all by myself.
plus, there is a chance that they will see if they can get me a visa and stuff. so i have to make it good.
its exciting and scary because i not only do i want to do well for me, but i am dying to impress them.
and to top it all off, at lunch i ran into matt, the guitarist from the rakes. its a sign, and a pretty fucking great one.
anyway, that is all for now, i am tired. actually getting up and doing stuff is really exhausting. but i shall get into the swing of things and have many interesting stories to tell and more things to talk about.
at some point i want to talk about heath ledger, the election amongst other things...more to come, more to come...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
wierd....
its february. thats bizzarre. time is passing so incredibly quickly. but actually, even though i have decided and
[am soon to]
book my ticket home in april, i am not sad i am leaving. it has given me a lightness. like i only have a year to live...dont get me wrong, i am going to continue to apply for jobs and such, but there is an excitement i have about it now. there is no pressure. thank god.
i have realised that 6 months is no where near enough time to create contacts and to get steadily working. im not excusing myself
[i mean i am sort of]
but more than that, i am beginning to understand my limits...strange how growth is.
but i think the reason i am ok with this, is that i know its not the last time im going to be here and live here
[even though sometimes in bad moments i think so]
no, if i can't find a way back here job-wise, im going to go back to school. grad school and such. i need to find a way to pay for it
[crap]
but there is a great program at the university of east london that is very exciting for me.
this time here has been unbelievably important for me. i feel like i have discovered me and have been able to live in it. really live in it. its been amazing...and i have three months left here.
i am very excited now to go home, to find more jobs, to do a similar thing at home.
never before have i felt the importance of the sun and spring, i am so excited for spring for some reason.
[strange]
ive been watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. it has its pitfalls of course, it did lose its way about a third of the way through the series, and i completely understand why it got cancelled. saying all that though, the writing was great all the way through. the characters are amazing the setting is wonderous. i love the behind the curtain stuff
[even though it probably just adds to my sense of delirium about what reality is]
it makes me sentimental to working on a television show.
[not that i have ever worked on a television show...]
i want the community and the stress of show time and all that crap. i am excited. who the hell knows why.
good television, its not an oxymoron, it is possible and i want to work on it.
[am soon to]
book my ticket home in april, i am not sad i am leaving. it has given me a lightness. like i only have a year to live...dont get me wrong, i am going to continue to apply for jobs and such, but there is an excitement i have about it now. there is no pressure. thank god.
i have realised that 6 months is no where near enough time to create contacts and to get steadily working. im not excusing myself
[i mean i am sort of]
but more than that, i am beginning to understand my limits...strange how growth is.
but i think the reason i am ok with this, is that i know its not the last time im going to be here and live here
[even though sometimes in bad moments i think so]
no, if i can't find a way back here job-wise, im going to go back to school. grad school and such. i need to find a way to pay for it
[crap]
but there is a great program at the university of east london that is very exciting for me.
this time here has been unbelievably important for me. i feel like i have discovered me and have been able to live in it. really live in it. its been amazing...and i have three months left here.
i am very excited now to go home, to find more jobs, to do a similar thing at home.
never before have i felt the importance of the sun and spring, i am so excited for spring for some reason.
[strange]
ive been watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. it has its pitfalls of course, it did lose its way about a third of the way through the series, and i completely understand why it got cancelled. saying all that though, the writing was great all the way through. the characters are amazing the setting is wonderous. i love the behind the curtain stuff
[even though it probably just adds to my sense of delirium about what reality is]
it makes me sentimental to working on a television show.
[not that i have ever worked on a television show...]
i want the community and the stress of show time and all that crap. i am excited. who the hell knows why.
good television, its not an oxymoron, it is possible and i want to work on it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
i am so sore
i worked yesterday. on a music video for a guy called Doug Walker for a song called The Mystery. to be honest, i kind of hate the song now, but the video was fun. it was very do it yourself, a lot of imagination. it was very hard work, the morning was spent hauling equipment up stairs. then hanging around the set. i was sent out to exchange helicopters for ufos that fly. that was way fun. i loved helping out the art department.
i think what i realised was that its really hard to be a runner when you dont have a goal in mind. i think if i knew i wanted to be a production designer or something it would be easier to sell myself. but i dont know that. maybe thats why i am here, to figure that out.
ive been thinking about graduate school. but i think one of the only reasons i was thinking that is so that i could stay here. its tempting, but im not sure i can justify spending money just to stay here. especially because the program im looking at is not perfect, its not exactly what i want. maybe i could make it what i want, but part of me is thinking that film school should be films school or else it is just pointless. on the other hand film school is pretty pointless as well
[from everything ive heard]
so maybe its better to have a combined theoretical and practical program that will give me the skills that i need but also let me do the intellectual thing that i so love. oh man this is a hard thing to think about. because i have just convinced myself its a good thing. plus i can do it part time which would give me time to work as well...good god.
so ted kennedy endorsed obama, thats great. i hope that our optimism and innocence can come back. thats what the kennedy name should do, lets hope it works.
im re-watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. god it was pretty brilliant until about halfway through. the writing remained great, but the story got lost in the love plots. i think its because they knew they weren't going to get renewed and they wanted to tell the story completely. but i kinda love it, its sorta perfect in its precisecity.
[thats not a word, but hey...]
i want direction, i want to know what i want to do. i think its gonna help that i am editing primarily for k. that will help. i want a skill set. i want to be really good at one particular thing. and sometimes i think the way to do that, to become clear is at school. good christ!
[what is wrong with me, i have wanted to work in the world for so long, but it turns out that i am really just impressive because of the amount i did while i was in school...]
pffft. i just dont know...any advice????
i think what i realised was that its really hard to be a runner when you dont have a goal in mind. i think if i knew i wanted to be a production designer or something it would be easier to sell myself. but i dont know that. maybe thats why i am here, to figure that out.
ive been thinking about graduate school. but i think one of the only reasons i was thinking that is so that i could stay here. its tempting, but im not sure i can justify spending money just to stay here. especially because the program im looking at is not perfect, its not exactly what i want. maybe i could make it what i want, but part of me is thinking that film school should be films school or else it is just pointless. on the other hand film school is pretty pointless as well
[from everything ive heard]
so maybe its better to have a combined theoretical and practical program that will give me the skills that i need but also let me do the intellectual thing that i so love. oh man this is a hard thing to think about. because i have just convinced myself its a good thing. plus i can do it part time which would give me time to work as well...good god.
so ted kennedy endorsed obama, thats great. i hope that our optimism and innocence can come back. thats what the kennedy name should do, lets hope it works.
im re-watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. god it was pretty brilliant until about halfway through. the writing remained great, but the story got lost in the love plots. i think its because they knew they weren't going to get renewed and they wanted to tell the story completely. but i kinda love it, its sorta perfect in its precisecity.
[thats not a word, but hey...]
i want direction, i want to know what i want to do. i think its gonna help that i am editing primarily for k. that will help. i want a skill set. i want to be really good at one particular thing. and sometimes i think the way to do that, to become clear is at school. good christ!
[what is wrong with me, i have wanted to work in the world for so long, but it turns out that i am really just impressive because of the amount i did while i was in school...]
pffft. i just dont know...any advice????
Friday, January 25, 2008
i just caught myself...
looking at graduate programs here in london.
i told myself i wasn't going to go back to school, and if i was, it was going to be to get a history degree or something. a fifth or sixth career move.
but no. im looking at media studies graduate programs.
they are interesting, like understanding culture industries.
damn it. no.
i don't want to be in school. i just want to stay, and this is what is happening. damn it all damn it all to hell.
but the university of london does look pretty good....
no.
i told myself i wasn't going to go back to school, and if i was, it was going to be to get a history degree or something. a fifth or sixth career move.
but no. im looking at media studies graduate programs.
they are interesting, like understanding culture industries.
damn it. no.
i don't want to be in school. i just want to stay, and this is what is happening. damn it all damn it all to hell.
but the university of london does look pretty good....
no.
ok....
so im hoping that this isn't against some sort of copywright law or really imprudent or pisses anyone off but i figured out how to put the video i made up for anyone who desires to see it. This is the making of a music video for the band Does It Offend You, Yeah?
[ myspace.com/doesitoffendyou]
disclaimer: I am sorry if this offends anyone...
[and yes, that WAS intentional]
[ myspace.com/doesitoffendyou]
disclaimer: I am sorry if this offends anyone...
[and yes, that WAS intentional]
its a reagan crazy world
i had this great, moderately intelligent, rant about politics and the reagan comments made by the candidates and then the damn web browser 'unexpectedly quit'
crap.
oh well, the gist is i am amazed at the media. the way they take a story that they say themselves is a non-story and are writing about the non-story that it is. its incredible to me. its also a bloody shame that the nature of politics is taking a comprehensive statement and turning it into bits and bites, mcnuggets that can be used for anyones use. i dont know, its pretty irritating. what happened to raising the level of debate? what happened to making this election an election of ideas, of concepts, of things that truly matter. its sad.
so yesterday i was the production assistant on a casting session for a music video. it was unpaid but fun. i mean i sat around doing nothing, giving people sheets to sign in, telling the folks in the big room when people were there, making everything run a little smoother, but i felt useful and wonderful.
[even though it was freezing cold and i forgot to eat...oops...]
and it led to a maybe working on the video itself.
[this time paid!]
so thats exciting. and if i dont work on the video, i am working on a promo
[for free]
but that is exciting as well. and im going to KOKO on monday night to see like 4 bands or so with Stayaways folk. exciting exciting. life is looking up.
im hoping for more, always more.
crap.
oh well, the gist is i am amazed at the media. the way they take a story that they say themselves is a non-story and are writing about the non-story that it is. its incredible to me. its also a bloody shame that the nature of politics is taking a comprehensive statement and turning it into bits and bites, mcnuggets that can be used for anyones use. i dont know, its pretty irritating. what happened to raising the level of debate? what happened to making this election an election of ideas, of concepts, of things that truly matter. its sad.
so yesterday i was the production assistant on a casting session for a music video. it was unpaid but fun. i mean i sat around doing nothing, giving people sheets to sign in, telling the folks in the big room when people were there, making everything run a little smoother, but i felt useful and wonderful.
[even though it was freezing cold and i forgot to eat...oops...]
and it led to a maybe working on the video itself.
[this time paid!]
so thats exciting. and if i dont work on the video, i am working on a promo
[for free]
but that is exciting as well. and im going to KOKO on monday night to see like 4 bands or so with Stayaways folk. exciting exciting. life is looking up.
im hoping for more, always more.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
the future is unwritten
last night i saw the future is unwritten a documentary on joe strummer, made after
[like right after]
he died. it was fantastic. not only did it display the truly wonderful and amazing nature of who joe strummer was, his thoughts and how he encountered and took on the world, but also was a well made film. the interviews weren't just sitting down in front of the camera talking about joe and their relationships with him, it was set around campfires.
[campfires were one of joes favourite things. he truly believed [rightfully so] that true community and a sort of spiritual echo of the ancients could be found there]
everyone talking about who he was and what the times were, reminiscing, and singing various punk rock classics. all inter cut with joe himself doing a radio show playing the songs he felt were important and beautiful.
it was so important that i saw that. he really had a whole thing about just creating. for yourself, screw what society deems as good or important or valuable. that was a really helpful message for me to remember at this period in time. i can
[and should]
create on my own, generate my own energy and then people will hire me. i need to remember that. its very had to remember, but is exceedingly important.
then this morning, on Quincy ME he was investigating a murder connected with the punk rock scene in LA. it was hilarious so anti-punk, not truly understanding what it was, only seeing the violence and destruction that is its surface. its was fascinating. it really helps me to understand why the punk movement was so feared and reviled.
when you have the combination of the mainstream not trying to understand the movement and only latching on to the surface of the movement, combined with the fact that none of those in the movement itself were particularly good at articulating their positions or thoughts
[i mean they are only human, plus its hard for anyone in a movement to be able to talk about what is going on, without sounding like total tools or complete assholes.]
anyway it was interesting.
also more on the huffington post. this week is the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and there was a great article about the complexity of the abortion issue. that everyone deserves a choice, but just because you have the choice doesn't mean its an easy one. i thought it was a fantastically written article and a really important one.
[if any pro-lifers would read it...]
it could help people understand that the choice isn't about a life growing inside a woman, but her own life. that people who are pro-choice aren't anti life
[or whatever that bullshit is...]
but that they are about human rights. basic rights, and that the choice is not easy and the moral issues should be considered, but everyone must and should have the choice.
anyway, she was far more articulate and elegant than i am so here is the link...http://www.huffingtonpost.com/courtney-e-martin-/admitting-the-complexitie_b_82056.html
you should read it. its very good.
i think that is all from this peanut gallery. im just hoping the faith and the light in my life comes back soon because its pretty gray out here and it doesn't have to do any with the weather.
[like right after]
he died. it was fantastic. not only did it display the truly wonderful and amazing nature of who joe strummer was, his thoughts and how he encountered and took on the world, but also was a well made film. the interviews weren't just sitting down in front of the camera talking about joe and their relationships with him, it was set around campfires.
[campfires were one of joes favourite things. he truly believed [rightfully so] that true community and a sort of spiritual echo of the ancients could be found there]
everyone talking about who he was and what the times were, reminiscing, and singing various punk rock classics. all inter cut with joe himself doing a radio show playing the songs he felt were important and beautiful.
it was so important that i saw that. he really had a whole thing about just creating. for yourself, screw what society deems as good or important or valuable. that was a really helpful message for me to remember at this period in time. i can
[and should]
create on my own, generate my own energy and then people will hire me. i need to remember that. its very had to remember, but is exceedingly important.
then this morning, on Quincy ME he was investigating a murder connected with the punk rock scene in LA. it was hilarious so anti-punk, not truly understanding what it was, only seeing the violence and destruction that is its surface. its was fascinating. it really helps me to understand why the punk movement was so feared and reviled.
when you have the combination of the mainstream not trying to understand the movement and only latching on to the surface of the movement, combined with the fact that none of those in the movement itself were particularly good at articulating their positions or thoughts
[i mean they are only human, plus its hard for anyone in a movement to be able to talk about what is going on, without sounding like total tools or complete assholes.]
anyway it was interesting.
also more on the huffington post. this week is the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and there was a great article about the complexity of the abortion issue. that everyone deserves a choice, but just because you have the choice doesn't mean its an easy one. i thought it was a fantastically written article and a really important one.
[if any pro-lifers would read it...]
it could help people understand that the choice isn't about a life growing inside a woman, but her own life. that people who are pro-choice aren't anti life
[or whatever that bullshit is...]
but that they are about human rights. basic rights, and that the choice is not easy and the moral issues should be considered, but everyone must and should have the choice.
anyway, she was far more articulate and elegant than i am so here is the link...http://www.huffingtonpost.com/courtney-e-martin-/admitting-the-complexitie_b_82056.html
you should read it. its very good.
i think that is all from this peanut gallery. im just hoping the faith and the light in my life comes back soon because its pretty gray out here and it doesn't have to do any with the weather.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
As promised...
shit i couldnt flip them. i thought i had but damn. oh well. you can turn your head.
this is my sink. and part of my fireplace.
this is my bed. i dont know why this is all underlined. the blog is taking over!
this is another view of my bed, a more natural one. and the other side of my fireplace.
so thats my room, pictures as promised. i love my room.
a crisis of confidence
i know its sunday and that this is a tad premature. but no one has called or written. not even for an interview.
k texted saying that she has someone coming in full time starting this week. and that we should catch up about my availability mid-week. this started this spiral into crisis. nowhere does it inherently say anything about her not needing me any more, but it
[in my fear induced and self doubting state]
is hinted at around the edges. what if she doesn't need me anymore because of this person who is probably an actual professional? then what if no one calls because they don't need someone they don't know. what am i going to do? go home? maybe its the sign that i shouldn't be here anymore, that i got all that i needed from this place and it is time to return home...
the problem is that i don't want to go. home to the place that is less frightening, easier, more comfortable. and if i were to leave, i would never forgive myself. i would feel like i ran away home when the going got tough,
[instead of getting going like the adage implies]
i need a win right now. in some form, ill take just about anything. mostly because i am embarrassed about being unemployed. like it is my fault, a reflection of my unworthiness, that i am not valuable to anyone. i need something right now that reminds me why i did this crazy huge scary risk. reminds me why i am here and why i have wanted to be here for so long.
i don't know what any of this means, even if it has meaning, or maybe this is just the way things fall. i feel as if i am standing vulnerable and naked on the top of a mountain, open to the whims of fate.
but i can't keep putting this on fate, or the universe. but i don't know what i can be doing that would change the outcome. i think i have done everything that i can, and that i continue to do whatever i can in order that i get employed.
i can't help returning to what if this is because i am not worthy, or supposed to be here. its strange, but i cry over being unemployed. my self worth is sort of wrapped up in being useful and good at what i do. what if i am not as good as i previously thought i was.
i am so scared that this is all somehow my fault.
k texted saying that she has someone coming in full time starting this week. and that we should catch up about my availability mid-week. this started this spiral into crisis. nowhere does it inherently say anything about her not needing me any more, but it
[in my fear induced and self doubting state]
is hinted at around the edges. what if she doesn't need me anymore because of this person who is probably an actual professional? then what if no one calls because they don't need someone they don't know. what am i going to do? go home? maybe its the sign that i shouldn't be here anymore, that i got all that i needed from this place and it is time to return home...
the problem is that i don't want to go. home to the place that is less frightening, easier, more comfortable. and if i were to leave, i would never forgive myself. i would feel like i ran away home when the going got tough,
[instead of getting going like the adage implies]
i need a win right now. in some form, ill take just about anything. mostly because i am embarrassed about being unemployed. like it is my fault, a reflection of my unworthiness, that i am not valuable to anyone. i need something right now that reminds me why i did this crazy huge scary risk. reminds me why i am here and why i have wanted to be here for so long.
i don't know what any of this means, even if it has meaning, or maybe this is just the way things fall. i feel as if i am standing vulnerable and naked on the top of a mountain, open to the whims of fate.
but i can't keep putting this on fate, or the universe. but i don't know what i can be doing that would change the outcome. i think i have done everything that i can, and that i continue to do whatever i can in order that i get employed.
i can't help returning to what if this is because i am not worthy, or supposed to be here. its strange, but i cry over being unemployed. my self worth is sort of wrapped up in being useful and good at what i do. what if i am not as good as i previously thought i was.
i am so scared that this is all somehow my fault.
Friday, January 18, 2008
a bright spot in a pretty bleak weak
so i met Rhys Ifans on tuesday night. he is in a band called the peth. k is doing a viral campaign for them beginning with a film to hype their album coming out some time in the summer, and needed some moral support. she had never met them before and the drummer is the drummer for super furry animals
[one of her favourite bands]
she had a little bit of stars in her eyes and was nervous. so she asked me to come along. it was cool. he was very similar to his character in human nature. sweet natured guy. they spoke welsh quite a bit to each other and it was funny because they had some trouble translating back to english. actually it was quite fascinating.
then wednesday i worked at radar maker. i had a list, i completed the list it was wonderful. i love working. so so so much. i want to do it more.
however the calls have not come in. no one is knocking down my door, damn it. i am desperate to work to prove myself, not only because it would be good for my career but also because i am BORED. unbelievably fucking bored. i fucked up too. apparently if i called a guy earlier this week, i could have been working all week. damn it. my timing was off. fucks sake. however a few emails later today im feeling better, an email that was encouraging. i am hoping i get a call soon.
i went today to see No Country For Old Men. i loved it. so demented and dark, but funny at the same time. an extremely Coen Brothers story full of violence that was not shied away from. i was impressed and reminded why i want to make films, it was really the right thing for me to do today.
all i can do is go to A's party tomorrow, try not to think about the other A and hope like hell i get a call on monday or tuesday or...well, you get the idea.
[one of her favourite bands]
she had a little bit of stars in her eyes and was nervous. so she asked me to come along. it was cool. he was very similar to his character in human nature. sweet natured guy. they spoke welsh quite a bit to each other and it was funny because they had some trouble translating back to english. actually it was quite fascinating.
then wednesday i worked at radar maker. i had a list, i completed the list it was wonderful. i love working. so so so much. i want to do it more.
however the calls have not come in. no one is knocking down my door, damn it. i am desperate to work to prove myself, not only because it would be good for my career but also because i am BORED. unbelievably fucking bored. i fucked up too. apparently if i called a guy earlier this week, i could have been working all week. damn it. my timing was off. fucks sake. however a few emails later today im feeling better, an email that was encouraging. i am hoping i get a call soon.
i went today to see No Country For Old Men. i loved it. so demented and dark, but funny at the same time. an extremely Coen Brothers story full of violence that was not shied away from. i was impressed and reminded why i want to make films, it was really the right thing for me to do today.
all i can do is go to A's party tomorrow, try not to think about the other A and hope like hell i get a call on monday or tuesday or...well, you get the idea.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
a little strange
it feels a tad odd to make myself write. i just dont really have any motivation to write. but i know that writing, like most things, is habit. once i get into it, the words will flow and the motivation will come.
i returned friday morning. so groggy i felt insane. fell asleep on the tube, woke up terrified that i would get my stuff stolen or that i would miss my stop. but neither happened. i got home just fine, exhausted and a little high, but home.
i then crashed out like i have never crashed out before. then dragged myself up and out to Barfly to see the Stayaways
[ myspace.com/stayaways]
play. met their significant others
[wonderful amazing fantastically fun girls]
the gig was a tad disappointing, no fault of the boys, the sound tech was really off and they knew it. it was hard for them to get back onto their feet. but i sold some of their singles and got more names for the mailing list
[whoever recorded them this time was fantastic, the sound was so much warmer, not so tinny and cold, just really really good.]
and hung out with very nice people. so it was a good night. im glad that my first night back wasnt one locked in my room, that it was with people. it feels like a change, a good change for me. truly a new year.
then...the past two days i have been sitting here in my room watching Lost. yes boys and girls, i am now into Lost. i have come to care about all of those crazy people on that crazy island
[with the exception of michelle rodriguez. man i fucking hate her. dont know why, i think its that chip on her shoulder, she just isnt cool enough, for me, to pull that off.]
while those two days have been good to me, i am now beginning to get a little restless. i am eager to get back to work of some sort. i have some calls to make, and i guess some emails to send, but i am just hoping, praying that someone will call soon and hire me. i need to feel useless.
otherwise, what am i to do tomorrow. i guess i could clean up my room. go to a museum or something. thats probably a good idea. get up early. be a motivated consumer of art.
its strange living
[i was going to say here, but thats not really what i mean]
living without any real purpose. at college i had papers to write something to work towards...my degree...but here, there is nothing to work towards. just the next job to look forward to, the endless contemplating my
[non-existent and quite potentially pathetic]
love life.
[the previous sentence was not entirely true but im feeling a tad down so i cant listen to the monty python boys in their infinite wisdom]
ok it is time to combat the onset of depression. time to create something for me to do while i while away the hours waiting for someone to call.
now to find what exactly that will be...
i returned friday morning. so groggy i felt insane. fell asleep on the tube, woke up terrified that i would get my stuff stolen or that i would miss my stop. but neither happened. i got home just fine, exhausted and a little high, but home.
i then crashed out like i have never crashed out before. then dragged myself up and out to Barfly to see the Stayaways
[ myspace.com/stayaways]
play. met their significant others
[wonderful amazing fantastically fun girls]
the gig was a tad disappointing, no fault of the boys, the sound tech was really off and they knew it. it was hard for them to get back onto their feet. but i sold some of their singles and got more names for the mailing list
[whoever recorded them this time was fantastic, the sound was so much warmer, not so tinny and cold, just really really good.]
and hung out with very nice people. so it was a good night. im glad that my first night back wasnt one locked in my room, that it was with people. it feels like a change, a good change for me. truly a new year.
then...the past two days i have been sitting here in my room watching Lost. yes boys and girls, i am now into Lost. i have come to care about all of those crazy people on that crazy island
[with the exception of michelle rodriguez. man i fucking hate her. dont know why, i think its that chip on her shoulder, she just isnt cool enough, for me, to pull that off.]
while those two days have been good to me, i am now beginning to get a little restless. i am eager to get back to work of some sort. i have some calls to make, and i guess some emails to send, but i am just hoping, praying that someone will call soon and hire me. i need to feel useless.
otherwise, what am i to do tomorrow. i guess i could clean up my room. go to a museum or something. thats probably a good idea. get up early. be a motivated consumer of art.
its strange living
[i was going to say here, but thats not really what i mean]
living without any real purpose. at college i had papers to write something to work towards...my degree...but here, there is nothing to work towards. just the next job to look forward to, the endless contemplating my
[non-existent and quite potentially pathetic]
love life.
[the previous sentence was not entirely true but im feeling a tad down so i cant listen to the monty python boys in their infinite wisdom]
ok it is time to combat the onset of depression. time to create something for me to do while i while away the hours waiting for someone to call.
now to find what exactly that will be...
Friday, January 4, 2008
a time off
it's been quite a while. i think its been fine though, considering most of those who read what i write, i am seeing now.
but just a few thoughts and some wrapping up.
first the wrapping up.
christmas was wonderful, full of family and christmas morning was perfection. my family in the room, coffee, pastries, bagels and pomosas
[a sarah invention of course]
then we flew to virginia and spent time with other family...wonderful.
new years was perfect, the exact right way to ring in the new potential of the coming year. first party in brooklyn with my boys
[oh how i adore my boys, so fantastic individually and so cohesive and wonderful as a crew]
then to philly at the ungodly hour of 7 am. where we descended on the girls who remained, and had a time that felt like the combination of home and excitement. its hard to describe feeling so perfectly understood and challenged when it is not your family. but i guess they are really my family, and its just reinforcing that idea which seems strange to me, but not strange at all.
but really, the impetus to write was not to wax about my amazing friends. it was because whilst in philly i discovered a magazine about indie music and culture called sentimentalist. its cool because it made me go back and listen to tracks off the new editors album. the power of the article about them was such that it made me interested in an album i had no interest in whatsoever. but what was cool was that listening to the tracks made me remember how editors made me feel.
their songs are rather down, not lively and poppy. but comfortable and not morose. but something about the musical construction makes me feel full of hope for the future. strange, not like say the hives who make me feel just happy. editors make me feel hopeful and pensive without being heavy or sad.
i like that.
its just one more aspect of music that is coming to light for me.
awesome.
but just a few thoughts and some wrapping up.
first the wrapping up.
christmas was wonderful, full of family and christmas morning was perfection. my family in the room, coffee, pastries, bagels and pomosas
[a sarah invention of course]
then we flew to virginia and spent time with other family...wonderful.
new years was perfect, the exact right way to ring in the new potential of the coming year. first party in brooklyn with my boys
[oh how i adore my boys, so fantastic individually and so cohesive and wonderful as a crew]
then to philly at the ungodly hour of 7 am. where we descended on the girls who remained, and had a time that felt like the combination of home and excitement. its hard to describe feeling so perfectly understood and challenged when it is not your family. but i guess they are really my family, and its just reinforcing that idea which seems strange to me, but not strange at all.
but really, the impetus to write was not to wax about my amazing friends. it was because whilst in philly i discovered a magazine about indie music and culture called sentimentalist. its cool because it made me go back and listen to tracks off the new editors album. the power of the article about them was such that it made me interested in an album i had no interest in whatsoever. but what was cool was that listening to the tracks made me remember how editors made me feel.
their songs are rather down, not lively and poppy. but comfortable and not morose. but something about the musical construction makes me feel full of hope for the future. strange, not like say the hives who make me feel just happy. editors make me feel hopeful and pensive without being heavy or sad.
i like that.
its just one more aspect of music that is coming to light for me.
awesome.
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