waiting

while waiting for the science of sleep to come on, i am watching the last half hour of practical magic. it is nowhere as good as the book, but no matter what i am always effected by it.

[well im always effected by family stuff, no matter how bad, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, sisters...]

its at times like this that i realise i am a sap. a total and utter sap. its accelerated by the fact that i am going back to london tomorrow. its the right thing and i am so excited for it but its always hard to leave my family. especially after being here for so long.

its completely cheesy but i love my family. they are so cool and funny and smart and comfortable. i mean they are not without their flaws as everyone is but those are flaws that i can handle and embrace even.

the one

[well there are many]

bright side to leaving is that i get to see my sister at the end of next week. something i always am excited for. i really do love her, no matter what. that is an intense bond that no one and nothing can usurp.

im really lucky. i know that. and it makes it that much harder

[and a huge amount easier]

to live my own life.

but now...the science of sleep.

a fantasy world that i can repair to.

a corner of my mind that someone else has created.

Neverwas

i am watching a film called Neverwas. it is a brilliant and magical film. it is the story of a man coming to terms with his father's mental illness and magical world he created. this film is quickly becoming one of my favourites. it has incorporated insanity, fantasy and a journey for truth, played out in the relationship between parent and child.

the line between insanity and fantasy is so thin, one mans delusion is another's fairy tale. it makes one think about the definitions of reality.

[warning- a pedestrian sentence...]

what is so great about the standard definition of reality. i so want magical realism to be real, and for me it is a good deal of the time, but i want to wholeheartedly believe in it in a way that i just can't yet. mostly because i am afraid if i do give in, then i will be disappointed in my imagination or ...well...committed.

what really got me up to write was the relationship between parent and child. in the film, the father [creator of Neverwas] was dealing with manic depression amongst a score of other things that go along with it. but the thing that struck me was the fight he was having against the black hole that was swallowing him as he fell deeper and deeper in love with his son. how does one balance that? balance what goes on in the deepest, darkest parts of ones mind, soul, psyche and the dependence of a child or loved one.

i wonder sometimes, why my fascination with mental illness. the easy thing to wonder is is it because i fear my own mind, do i fear what my mind is capable of...but in good moments i don't actually believe i have anything to fear from mental illness. an overabundance of thought, quite possibly. but sometimes i do worry if i let the thought run rampant, its course as i know it wants to, will i descend into madness? i also worry that i wont. that i dont actually have it in me. that i am utterly normal.

the film is diverging into a brilliant path. it is when reality clashes with someones delusion and what happens to those caught in the middle of it.

we could all do with a little more fantasy in our lives. more symbols, metaphors that become real enough to us to help us through when we deem life to be mundane. i think that is the reason for imagination. life is hard, cruel and cold at times. relationships between people and the relationship one has with the imaginary is the only way to survive with your soul in tact.

[i know i am going to look back on this and think, how trite but these are the thoughts animating my soul]

i so wish i could be more like G, fascinated by light playing on glass, bits and bobs floating in the air. i am this way, i just forget i guess.

the ending line is 'once again i lived as i dreamed'

i hope one day i can have the strength to do exactly that.

pondering...it really is a great word

i sit here waiting for a file to render in final cut pro

[so i can actually get some work done]

and pondering

[ i do love that word, its like defenestration or marinate among many many more]

weather or not i should take a nap in front of the tv so that i can get up in a few hours and get a proper amount of work done, or if i should give up the ghost and just do the work tomorrow.

knowing me i will decide to take a nap in front of the tv but then will sleep through the time i want to work and just be pissed off at myself.

ah well, i can always try.

i have discovered a blog, a friend of mine is writing Thoughts Of Utmost Importance From A Great Mind its really quite funny. and strange in the best way possible.

i saw iron man tonight. it was hella cool. just amazing. fun, hilarious and entertaining. robert downey jr is genius. absolutely holding his position as one of my all time favourite actors ever.

i wish i was more witty at this moment, i want to be writing something interesting about television or politics or i dunno...something. but i am pretty dry at the moment. slightly stuck in this world of limbo. of unknowing

[or rather not knowing]

of waiting. stalling. it has been a good period of time for me though, let me understand that i am doing the right thing, moving to london for such an extended period of time. i just hope the universe thinks its a good idea as well.

im very frustrated that i feel so disengaged from the world. like imin a cocoon of some sort. maybe soon i can break out of it...

greetings from across the ocean

though not so across the ocean i guess...i am back in the US for a while. an unknown period of time that i am hoping is not all THAT long. it sounds horrible i know. but its not.

i love home. love it. thats part of the problem. the longer i stay here the harder it is for me to leave. plus there is all this stuff going on at home that i really want to do.

but the point isn't to complain. i have realised recently that mostly i used this area to ease my pain in the beginning. to soothe my loneliness and to keep me busy. but now that i am busy-crazy busy- im not writing. its sad. because the only record i have is the bad times and little snippets of the good things.

an update then...i am good. really really good. frustrated now but really really good anyway. i have amazing friends here and in london, a close supportive family and a job which while is very taxing, is one i love dearly.

i get to push myself and grow creatively while meeting cool people. i like it.

i was going to write about CSI now, the brilliance of the show and all that. i think i need to start using this space to talk about television and film in the way that i ramble to my friends about. its like publishing an academic essay without the bruhaha of all that. which is good, talk bullshit but not force anyone to actually listen to me:-)

i guess i will write in one of my journals and transcribe it to here. yes, this is what i shall do...my brilliance will come soon!