picks and paperclips

or...2 pints of Guinness and good conversation...

last night

[even though the world is slightly spinning now]

was amazing. the perfect night to leave to go home on.

[funny how the world works that way!]

it started with 2 pints of Guinness and good conversation. an old dear friend and i went out to the Hawley Arms

[apparently a haunt of Noel Fielding's...nice...]

drank and hang out, great conversation, i just adore him. it was great, then off to the gig at The Good Ship. awesome venue. great bar. stood outside and handed out flyers, and then inside to watch The Stayaways

[myspace.com/stayaways]

think punk rock meets 1960's pop. their recorded stuff is good but they are just fantastic live. and theres only three of them. all wonderful boys. got people to sign up on the mailing list, then drank and danced with the boys and two other americans who are fans. all here on the BUNAC program.

awesome.

we were at the venue until late in the night, like 3 am. or maybe later, not sure. the boys made sure i was alright, no one hassled me, danced with me and generally had a raucous good time.

then crashed out at the bassists house, there was monopoly and a garden fox.

this morning, the trip home, i realised that it was the perfect night to go home on...and that yesterday the great, the iconic, the amazing Joe Strummer died, five years ago. it was almost like Joe Strummer was looking at me and thanking me for my devotion to him, giving me this almost perfect night. good friends, old and new, good music and a good time.

what more can a girl ask for?

ahh...the grit and the gross...i miss it

one of the guys at city rockers just got back from NYC. he keeps talking about the subways, once you get the hang of them they're really easy.

it just made me extraordinarily homesick. i want to ride the subways, get off and get that gorgeous blast of hot smelly air. lord i miss the city. love it here, but miss the city...

home soon...

i walk the line

like mr. cash, i walk a fine line. but mine isn't about battling inner demons in the arena of love

[for that, see a later installment]

no, mine have to do with my feeling useless. my line is between my supreme arrogance and my innate insecurity. this is rearing its ugly head in terms of my work. its amazing how just one brush with reality can knock your block off.

[never used that term before, wow it was fun...]

i realised today that my job at RadarMaker

[PR firm]

is really part time. it came when i was thinking about my week. now, i know it was part time, but i didn't really know... you know?

then of course this sent me spiraling into a self-loathing rant, i don't have jobs lined up to make enough money as i think i should be doing, still relying on my parents etc. etc. gotta love it. but really, what is wrong with me? in three weeks i have gotten two jobs

[albeit one unpaid...]

an interview that came with a promise of a job, much like MJM, which i probably shouldn't forget...and connections. three weeks! but no, its not good enough. sometimes i think i see time differently, but i know this is not true. its that i really feel my time off. and sometimes i love it. take tomorrow, i am meeting Jess, *hopefully* going to the national portrait gallery to see the pop art exhibition, meeting the boys in the punk band to talk about helping them out...its not a lost day. but when not focusing on the specifics it feels lost.

moments of self doubt are scary. its what the poets write about, more i think than love [lost, found or demented] at least the good ones are really talking about those monsters that live within and demand to be fed every once in a while.

[is it cheesy to quote a song, especially a song as popular (i hope) as 'believe' by the bravery? whatever, i wont quote, just paraphrase. we hide from some beast, but the beast is always there, watching without eyes, because the beast is just my fear... ok not so much paraphrase as end up quoting...]

its moments like these that remind me why we turn to art, why "emo" is so popular...

[i mean, not really understanding why emo is popular, but the understanding why the whiny singing is so popular]

the songs have the power to empathise

[the ocean-the bravery ]

or to snap you out of it

[tick, tick, boom and try it again-the hives]

oh i haven't talked about this yet, but the new hives album, the black and white album is just really good. totally up, weird rocking out music, like the first strokes album. but with the touch of strange

['puppet song', or the instrumental 'stroll through hives manor']

to make the album more than just

[and i say just with the understanding of how stupid that word is...]


rock'n'roll...

i digress...but it has made me feel better. and tomorrow will be lovely. and i am in in the mood for the strange rice concoction i made at midnight last night. and tea. always tea.

innate optimism

its funny how different forms of communication match the people in your life.

e-mail is my dad's thing. we send short sweet, extremely important e-mails often. they make me smile every time and are unbelievably important. but thats how i experience my dad. short, sweet bits of conversation, each incredibly potent and powerful.

[not few and far between].

with my mom, its the phone. long luxurious phone conversations, where everything is shared and there is never enough time. she and J are the only people in the world that make talking on the phone not only bearable, but fun even. everything is in her inflection, just hearing her voice lets me know how she is, where she is and what she is doing. that is always how i experience my mom, long comfortable conversations

[again, not few and far between]

that could last for hours and cover everything.

its funny. the mediums just work with their personalities.

i think i miss my family.

i was just sitting here, looking out my window, this sunday afternoon. there is a brilliant blue sky framing the picturesque row houses

[with a giant red crane poking up in the distance]

thinking about home. where i am going to live

[if i get my genie-in-a-bottle wish, both NYC and London]

and how i have this innate optimism. and where on earth does that come from...i have just done this thing, this incredibly scary thing. moving to a different country, a different city, alone, no job, no house. and here i am, making it work. i think that comes from the knowledge that i am safe. i have this safety blanket, these catch-alls. i have a ticket home. and then one home again in april, and if anything were to happen to me i could go home at any time.

more than that though, i know i have a home to go to. my parents house will always be the place where i can go, not just to visit, but to live if need be. that feeling allows me to know that i can do anything, go anywhere and succeed at it. because if i don't i have a safe haven where there will be no judgement

[a thorough processing...but no judgement]

no criticism, just open, warm arms and a place to put my head and watch TV.

a confusing dream

so i just woke up

[in my new room!]

from a dream that was probably spawned from watching too much paranormal television...and...something. not sure what else. so J and I were helping a guy, no name, just knew he was important and we were like his sidekicks. we killed some sort of demon or evil man, burning him in his front yard. we were at the campus of a school of some sort. then someone came out and saw us. J and I ran

[on orders from the guy]

across snowy wooded areas. i had a deal with boots before the killing, and we ran into a house, where i was going to change my boots and continue running. but it turns out we walked right into the administration building where the police were headquartered. now, i wasn't worked over as an accomplice, but because my work

[academic work]

was challenging and the headmaster didn't understand it. one teacher pulled out what she thought was my best essay. it was about an Akira Kurosawa film. and in the dream i just pulled out this explanation as to why Kurosawa's films are so violent. i said something about demonized Japanese in films in the 40's and 50's then they had to reassert power in the 60's and 70's or something.

now, i think i have seen a Kurosawa film once in my life. and i don't think it was violent. it was all very strange.

[i can bullshit with the best of them even in my subconscious]

the administrator was making me cry and all i could think was thank god i've already graduated from college...then i woke up.

anyway...i haven't updated in a while. its been a strange week. the first couple of days were very busy, then B came and we went to Oxford circus and wandered, looking at the store windows marvelling at the artistry of them.

thursday came and went, slightly uneventfully, supposed to go to Canterbury but didn't make it. then last night, i went to Alexandra Palace to see Bloc Party and The Cribs.

it was an awesome show.

[even though i fell down and hurt my knee seriously]

the cribs were great, working really hard with catchy punk songs. very nice.

[myspace.com/thecribs]

bloc party was amazing...

[myspace.com/blocparty]
i don't really listen to them, only sort of, but it was this incredible feeling being in the midst of all of these devoted fans and me not being one of them. i felt their passion for this band, this music and these words. it was really cool.

and i thought, watching the band, how neat it would be to have your job be the thing you are passionate about, but also to have your job be looking cool, just

[supposedly]

being yourself and looking like you are on the edge of

[pretty mainstream]

fashion.

it would be a interesting, good and difficult life i'm sure.

i had an excellent day, and am still recovering from it...

yesterday was nearly perfect. i spent the day editing video. a behind the scenes video of a band called Does It Offend You Yeah?

[myspace.com/doesitoffendyou

they are sort of like Daft Punk, but from Essex. they are good, i was working on the video shoot for a single which is supremely catchy.

i keep trying to show people in my life but wherever i try to put it up, the file is just too big. damn...oh well.

anyway, after working on the video, my boss took me out to a pub. we hung out with her friends which was really fun, many different interesting people...and then jamie and matt from the rakes showed up...im pretty sure its one of those things that could be categorized as a nearly perfect day. however, im pretty hungover today...oops.

i need to get up and take a shower now, city rockers for a bit and then an interview with the producer called pinky.

excellent...

a little nervous about tomorrow

the music was good on friday. it was weird to be out by myself, but i

[actually]

met people and had a great time.

[met a boy-tall skinny, cardigan...the whole works that was a nice point in the evening]

the metros

[myspace.com/themetrosband]

were great, nice stage presence, really fun poppy songs that remind me of the rock of the 60's.

[i do believe it's coming back folks!]

the displacements were fine, they had two great songs, but the rest sounded a bit too much like fall out boy for my taste.

yesterday was spent at the London Dungeons. that was totally fun. hokey as hell, with some good history and some excruciatingly bad history in it. all completely cheesy and really quite nice. one fantastic moment was the tyburn ride. they actually made a drop ride the height of tyburn

[a gallows that was in fact three put together, the walk to it while less than a mile usually took like 3 hours to complete because of the crowds that came to see people get hanged. dancing the tyburn jig was what the hanging were called. its the sense of frivolity toward death which i just love about the english...]

so it actually felt like you were getting hanged without the pesky noose and getting dead part.

today was supremely lazy. most of it spent in bed with an expedition to Morrisons for some things that i needed like coffee.

but mostly today was spent thinking about tomorrow. i start my part time job at the PR firm tomorrow. im excited and i have these moments of what if im not good at it, but mostly im just excited. and tuesday i have an interview...so to city rockers then to the interview.

this morning as i was waking up i was so sure i was in my bed at home. it was the most bizarre feeling waking up and realizing i was in a different country. im very excited to go home, mostly because it doesnt feel like christmas here. which is fine for me because christmas isnt so much the days leading up to it

[but i did get an awesome advent calendar from J]

its the snow and the family and the candles and the fire. as i am writing this the Hanukkah candles are burning and i love the firelight. its the best part of the dark season. the fire.

as much as i want to go home, i am really happy here. i have created this life, made it myself. and it is really starting to be something.

its almost like im living in a movie, all the parts of the montage that one doesnt get to see but are equally as good.

but without the danger music, thats really what i need, some danger music.

but i guess i do have a soundtrack. thank god for the ipod.

Its all moving along nicely

just a quick update, no psuedo-intellectual rants tonight. i am now working for a woman who runs a digital pr firm for bands a couple days a week. she is originally from Boston but moved here and through a series of lucky breaks ended up gaining residency. anyway, she left the record company she was working for

[v2 or atlantic or something, can't remember]

and started her own digital pr company. it sounds really cool, screwing around on the internet, editing footage of bands, helping them get their records, gigs, sound out there. im really excited. and i'm going to get paid! not a lot, but some. and i have a meeting on tuesday with a producer called Pinky. she is a freelance producer that may need some help.

this is what i would love to have happen, work for Pinky two days a week, Karen [PR lady] two days a week and City Rockers one day a week.

it all seems to be shaping up nicely. and tonight i go to see The Metros and i think The Displacements, at KOKO. then tomorrow to the London Dungeons with friends!
how exciting.

i have also been thinking of buying a new phone. i kind of hate mine, and there is a cool orange and black one, but the wiser idea would to be to save my money and spend it one something else...or i could get a cool new phone...

we shall see... its just so pretty!

What Qualifies as a Good Day

today could be classified as totally excellent day. it was my first day at City Rockers,

[cityrockers.com]

which was a day spent creating band profiles on websites that are basically copies of Myspace and Facebook. it was totally surreal. i was doing what people my age do to procrastinate.

and i got free Cd's.

and i got to choose which new Sunshine Underground track went on their Myspace site.

[myspace.com/thesunshineunderground]

and the guys i work for are so very very cool. and they hooked me up with a woman who does PR, so we shall see if she emails me back. and on the way home, i was walking with one of them, talking about various things; politics... Hanukkah... and he said i could come in any time to work. it didn't have to be one day a week. that if i wasn't doing anything and was bored i could come in. he also said i should email him so that he could get me contact information of production companies that they have made videos with.

i felt so unbelievably like i was in a movie, walking home through the streets of Camden listening to my music, a combination of the bravery, johnny cash and tokyo police club,

[with a track of Hot Hot Heat to reignite my interest in them]

bought the last dregs of the Chinese food

[the grease tastes SO good, and dinner only costs a pound so...]

it was pretty much perfect.

i had said to myself that if i didn't have a paying job by the time i went home for Christmas i wasn't going to come back, but now i feel like it has just taken me at least half that time to get settled into my life, and maybe by the time i leave to come home i will have just set up the job thing.

i know it takes time, this is something i always forget. it is not instant nor easy to create a life. i'm just impatient, i want my life in all aspects to move as fast as my brain does.

speaking of peas and carrots...it is not only December

[what a mind blowing concept]

but it is also the holidays! i got sent a big package with gifts in it, the first one being a menorah. now...i haven't actually lit the candles as of yet

[even thought i am in one of the countries where people smoke the most]

i have nothing with which to light said fire. but i opened my second gift...a plant, how excellent. i am so lucky to have these gifts to remind me of my family. Hanukkah has always been one of my favorite holidays. the sitting around the table seeing my family by the light of the candles, it is one of the times when my grandmother is ever present. i miss my family at this time, but it also helps me to remember who they are and why they are so important to me.

anyway, i hope that i have more than just once a week days like this, but if i only have one a week, it is worth it. i love feeling like this.

it feels so natural, as if i am meant to be doing this, living this life.

i have a giant stupid grin on my face that i hope never goes away.

so then what...

The headlining article on the Huffington Post newsletter is so unbelievably depressing. it's saying what everyone feels. that our democratic system is so corrupt that we are going to be stuck in this republican playground forever.

OK, i know i feel that, but

[and maybe this is a result of my still fresh idealism]

what do we do? it's all well and good to point out the problems. and that IS really important, if we don't know what the sickness is, then how would we be able to fix. However, it's not useful to just complain, what can we DO about it. The problem is that this seems so insurmountable. So much lying, so much back-handed dealing. what can we do? really, i think i know how the folks in pre-revolutionary France felt.

[and that's a scary thought, especially from me]

its hard to remember, in my cocoon of idealistic self analysis, or rather it is no fun to remember, that the world pretty much sucks right now. i am a student of history

[which just feeds into my non-presence here and is probably not a good thing]

and so i look at other periods of time and see what good comes from them, the revolutions that happened

[the political ones, the social ones, the cultural ones]

and i think...oh, why can't i have lived then? but then i snap out of it, and remember really what Bard taught me. the visceral experience of that history. i am positive, one hundred percent sure, unequivocally convinced that those revolutionaries felt exactly the same as i do now.

[not claiming that i am any sort of revolutionary...yet....]

i'm sure the hopelessness and despair that i feel now caused them to act, to do something.

i am now just searching for that vision, that spark of brilliance that infested their hearts and souls and led them to KNOW what they must do.

the problem is that, i want to have

[for the time being at least]

a life that isn't about revolution or great art. i want to be irresponsible and drink a little too much, have a little too much fun, go to music that is a little too loud, fall in love with people that will may or may not be "good" for me.

i want to experience the world.

Can I Do Both? at the same time? that's what this is about.

[i have been trying to figure out why i am writing this {blog i mean} and i realize that it always helps me come to a realization or renews my hope to talk, whatever the form this speaking might take.]

i want a rich life, full of revolution and superficiality.
what fun that will be.

my first regret

Its hard to admit, but i have my first regret of being here.

i am listening to The Courteeners and MGMT and i regret SO much that i didn't go to their show on friday. i could have said to the bar guy, no i am busy, and gone to the show i really wanted to. but i didn't.

they are very good, and now that i am listening to them courtesy of Myspace, i am raging pissed off. i mean, i didn't get a job immediately, it was a good experience, but i think seeing them would have been better.

something to remember. music, it grows as a part of my life everyday, i didn't realize that was possible or something that would happen to me.

pretty cool.

Internships and searching for new jobs

for the last couple of days i have been very tired and pretty busy, but mostly tired. Friday i had a meeting with the guys from City Rockers, and we decided that i would come in on Wednesdays to help out. so i think that makes me their intern.

i really like these guys. they are cool and totally invested in their business, the nuances and complications that have arisen since new media has barged its way in. its gotten complicated with CD sales going down and such. i don't know, its fascinating. and they like to talk about it. i am really excited about working with them and helping them out.

plus it'll give me a chance to show off. ya know, let them see how good i am at my job.

[a little over-confidence never hurt anyone]

later that day i went to a pub; Tommy Flynn's, and got hired for the night. it was exciting and exhausting. i did OK for the first time behind a bar. got decent tips in a country that doesn't tip, so that's nice. but drunk people are strange, and kinda creepy when they are older men. but i held my own and everything was fine. but it wasn't satisfying in the way that working in movies for me is. but i do need a job, and it pays. ah, it might be all moot, they may not even call me again. we shall see...

i did however, miss MGMT both nights they were here. which sucks, i mean really blows. but i think i will see them at some point. but i missed seeing live music this week, which is sad. but my ears are pricked and my eyes are searching for music, and i am looking for people to go see.

this is one of the points of me being here.