i walk the line

like mr. cash, i walk a fine line. but mine isn't about battling inner demons in the arena of love

[for that, see a later installment]

no, mine have to do with my feeling useless. my line is between my supreme arrogance and my innate insecurity. this is rearing its ugly head in terms of my work. its amazing how just one brush with reality can knock your block off.

[never used that term before, wow it was fun...]

i realised today that my job at RadarMaker

[PR firm]

is really part time. it came when i was thinking about my week. now, i know it was part time, but i didn't really know... you know?

then of course this sent me spiraling into a self-loathing rant, i don't have jobs lined up to make enough money as i think i should be doing, still relying on my parents etc. etc. gotta love it. but really, what is wrong with me? in three weeks i have gotten two jobs

[albeit one unpaid...]

an interview that came with a promise of a job, much like MJM, which i probably shouldn't forget...and connections. three weeks! but no, its not good enough. sometimes i think i see time differently, but i know this is not true. its that i really feel my time off. and sometimes i love it. take tomorrow, i am meeting Jess, *hopefully* going to the national portrait gallery to see the pop art exhibition, meeting the boys in the punk band to talk about helping them out...its not a lost day. but when not focusing on the specifics it feels lost.

moments of self doubt are scary. its what the poets write about, more i think than love [lost, found or demented] at least the good ones are really talking about those monsters that live within and demand to be fed every once in a while.

[is it cheesy to quote a song, especially a song as popular (i hope) as 'believe' by the bravery? whatever, i wont quote, just paraphrase. we hide from some beast, but the beast is always there, watching without eyes, because the beast is just my fear... ok not so much paraphrase as end up quoting...]

its moments like these that remind me why we turn to art, why "emo" is so popular...

[i mean, not really understanding why emo is popular, but the understanding why the whiny singing is so popular]

the songs have the power to empathise

[the ocean-the bravery ]

or to snap you out of it

[tick, tick, boom and try it again-the hives]

oh i haven't talked about this yet, but the new hives album, the black and white album is just really good. totally up, weird rocking out music, like the first strokes album. but with the touch of strange

['puppet song', or the instrumental 'stroll through hives manor']

to make the album more than just

[and i say just with the understanding of how stupid that word is...]


rock'n'roll...

i digress...but it has made me feel better. and tomorrow will be lovely. and i am in in the mood for the strange rice concoction i made at midnight last night. and tea. always tea.