i am so sore

i worked yesterday. on a music video for a guy called Doug Walker for a song called The Mystery. to be honest, i kind of hate the song now, but the video was fun. it was very do it yourself, a lot of imagination. it was very hard work, the morning was spent hauling equipment up stairs. then hanging around the set. i was sent out to exchange helicopters for ufos that fly. that was way fun. i loved helping out the art department.

i think what i realised was that its really hard to be a runner when you dont have a goal in mind. i think if i knew i wanted to be a production designer or something it would be easier to sell myself. but i dont know that. maybe thats why i am here, to figure that out.

ive been thinking about graduate school. but i think one of the only reasons i was thinking that is so that i could stay here. its tempting, but im not sure i can justify spending money just to stay here. especially because the program im looking at is not perfect, its not exactly what i want. maybe i could make it what i want, but part of me is thinking that film school should be films school or else it is just pointless. on the other hand film school is pretty pointless as well

[from everything ive heard]

so maybe its better to have a combined theoretical and practical program that will give me the skills that i need but also let me do the intellectual thing that i so love. oh man this is a hard thing to think about. because i have just convinced myself its a good thing. plus i can do it part time which would give me time to work as well...good god.

so ted kennedy endorsed obama, thats great. i hope that our optimism and innocence can come back. thats what the kennedy name should do, lets hope it works.

im re-watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. god it was pretty brilliant until about halfway through. the writing remained great, but the story got lost in the love plots. i think its because they knew they weren't going to get renewed and they wanted to tell the story completely. but i kinda love it, its sorta perfect in its precisecity.

[thats not a word, but hey...]

i want direction, i want to know what i want to do. i think its gonna help that i am editing primarily for k. that will help. i want a skill set. i want to be really good at one particular thing. and sometimes i think the way to do that, to become clear is at school. good christ!

[what is wrong with me, i have wanted to work in the world for so long, but it turns out that i am really just impressive because of the amount i did while i was in school...]

pffft. i just dont know...any advice????

i just caught myself...

looking at graduate programs here in london.

i told myself i wasn't going to go back to school, and if i was, it was going to be to get a history degree or something. a fifth or sixth career move.

but no. im looking at media studies graduate programs.

they are interesting, like understanding culture industries.

damn it. no.

i don't want to be in school. i just want to stay, and this is what is happening. damn it all damn it all to hell.

but the university of london does look pretty good....

no.

ok....

so im hoping that this isn't against some sort of copywright law or really imprudent or pisses anyone off but i figured out how to put the video i made up for anyone who desires to see it. This is the making of a music video for the band Does It Offend You, Yeah?

[ myspace.com/doesitoffendyou]

disclaimer: I am sorry if this offends anyone...

[and yes, that WAS intentional]

its a reagan crazy world

i had this great, moderately intelligent, rant about politics and the reagan comments made by the candidates and then the damn web browser 'unexpectedly quit'

crap.

oh well, the gist is i am amazed at the media. the way they take a story that they say themselves is a non-story and are writing about the non-story that it is. its incredible to me. its also a bloody shame that the nature of politics is taking a comprehensive statement and turning it into bits and bites, mcnuggets that can be used for anyones use. i dont know, its pretty irritating. what happened to raising the level of debate? what happened to making this election an election of ideas, of concepts, of things that truly matter. its sad.

so yesterday i was the production assistant on a casting session for a music video. it was unpaid but fun. i mean i sat around doing nothing, giving people sheets to sign in, telling the folks in the big room when people were there, making everything run a little smoother, but i felt useful and wonderful.

[even though it was freezing cold and i forgot to eat...oops...]

and it led to a maybe working on the video itself.

[this time paid!]

so thats exciting. and if i dont work on the video, i am working on a promo

[for free]

but that is exciting as well. and im going to KOKO on monday night to see like 4 bands or so with Stayaways folk. exciting exciting. life is looking up.

im hoping for more, always more.

the future is unwritten

last night i saw the future is unwritten a documentary on joe strummer, made after

[like right after]

he died. it was fantastic. not only did it display the truly wonderful and amazing nature of who joe strummer was, his thoughts and how he encountered and took on the world, but also was a well made film. the interviews weren't just sitting down in front of the camera talking about joe and their relationships with him, it was set around campfires.

[campfires were one of joes favourite things. he truly believed [rightfully so] that true community and a sort of spiritual echo of the ancients could be found there]

everyone talking about who he was and what the times were, reminiscing, and singing various punk rock classics. all inter cut with joe himself doing a radio show playing the songs he felt were important and beautiful.

it was so important that i saw that. he really had a whole thing about just creating. for yourself, screw what society deems as good or important or valuable. that was a really helpful message for me to remember at this period in time. i can

[and should]

create on my own, generate my own energy and then people will hire me. i need to remember that. its very had to remember, but is exceedingly important.

then this morning, on Quincy ME he was investigating a murder connected with the punk rock scene in LA. it was hilarious so anti-punk, not truly understanding what it was, only seeing the violence and destruction that is its surface. its was fascinating. it really helps me to understand why the punk movement was so feared and reviled.

when you have the combination of the mainstream not trying to understand the movement and only latching on to the surface of the movement, combined with the fact that none of those in the movement itself were particularly good at articulating their positions or thoughts

[i mean they are only human, plus its hard for anyone in a movement to be able to talk about what is going on, without sounding like total tools or complete assholes.]

anyway it was interesting.

also more on the huffington post. this week is the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and there was a great article about the complexity of the abortion issue. that everyone deserves a choice, but just because you have the choice doesn't mean its an easy one. i thought it was a fantastically written article and a really important one.

[if any pro-lifers would read it...]

it could help people understand that the choice isn't about a life growing inside a woman, but her own life. that people who are pro-choice aren't anti life

[or whatever that bullshit is...]

but that they are about human rights. basic rights, and that the choice is not easy and the moral issues should be considered, but everyone must and should have the choice.

anyway, she was far more articulate and elegant than i am so here is the link...http://www.huffingtonpost.com/courtney-e-martin-/admitting-the-complexitie_b_82056.html


you should read it. its very good.

i think that is all from this peanut gallery. im just hoping the faith and the light in my life comes back soon because its pretty gray out here and it doesn't have to do any with the weather.

As promised...

shit i couldnt flip them. i thought i had but damn. oh well. you can turn your head.

this is my sink. and part of my fireplace.










this is my bed. i dont know why this is all underlined. the blog is taking over!












this is another view of my bed, a more natural one. and the other side of my fireplace.











so thats my room, pictures as promised. i love my room.

a crisis of confidence

i know its sunday and that this is a tad premature. but no one has called or written. not even for an interview.

k texted saying that she has someone coming in full time starting this week. and that we should catch up about my availability mid-week. this started this spiral into crisis. nowhere does it inherently say anything about her not needing me any more, but it

[in my fear induced and self doubting state]

is hinted at around the edges. what if she doesn't need me anymore because of this person who is probably an actual professional? then what if no one calls because they don't need someone they don't know. what am i going to do? go home? maybe its the sign that i shouldn't be here anymore, that i got all that i needed from this place and it is time to return home...

the problem is that i don't want to go. home to the place that is less frightening, easier, more comfortable. and if i were to leave, i would never forgive myself. i would feel like i ran away home when the going got tough,

[instead of getting going like the adage implies]

i need a win right now. in some form, ill take just about anything. mostly because i am embarrassed about being unemployed. like it is my fault, a reflection of my unworthiness, that i am not valuable to anyone. i need something right now that reminds me why i did this crazy huge scary risk. reminds me why i am here and why i have wanted to be here for so long.

i don't know what any of this means, even if it has meaning, or maybe this is just the way things fall. i feel as if i am standing vulnerable and naked on the top of a mountain, open to the whims of fate.

but i can't keep putting this on fate, or the universe. but i don't know what i can be doing that would change the outcome. i think i have done everything that i can, and that i continue to do whatever i can in order that i get employed.

i can't help returning to what if this is because i am not worthy, or supposed to be here. its strange, but i cry over being unemployed. my self worth is sort of wrapped up in being useful and good at what i do. what if i am not as good as i previously thought i was.

i am so scared that this is all somehow my fault.

a bright spot in a pretty bleak weak

so i met Rhys Ifans on tuesday night. he is in a band called the peth. k is doing a viral campaign for them beginning with a film to hype their album coming out some time in the summer, and needed some moral support. she had never met them before and the drummer is the drummer for super furry animals

[one of her favourite bands]

she had a little bit of stars in her eyes and was nervous. so she asked me to come along. it was cool. he was very similar to his character in human nature. sweet natured guy. they spoke welsh quite a bit to each other and it was funny because they had some trouble translating back to english. actually it was quite fascinating.

then wednesday i worked at radar maker. i had a list, i completed the list it was wonderful. i love working. so so so much. i want to do it more.

however the calls have not come in. no one is knocking down my door, damn it. i am desperate to work to prove myself, not only because it would be good for my career but also because i am BORED. unbelievably fucking bored. i fucked up too. apparently if i called a guy earlier this week, i could have been working all week. damn it. my timing was off. fucks sake. however a few emails later today im feeling better, an email that was encouraging. i am hoping i get a call soon.

i went today to see No Country For Old Men. i loved it. so demented and dark, but funny at the same time. an extremely Coen Brothers story full of violence that was not shied away from. i was impressed and reminded why i want to make films, it was really the right thing for me to do today.

all i can do is go to A's party tomorrow, try not to think about the other A and hope like hell i get a call on monday or tuesday or...well, you get the idea.

a little strange

it feels a tad odd to make myself write. i just dont really have any motivation to write. but i know that writing, like most things, is habit. once i get into it, the words will flow and the motivation will come.

i returned friday morning. so groggy i felt insane. fell asleep on the tube, woke up terrified that i would get my stuff stolen or that i would miss my stop. but neither happened. i got home just fine, exhausted and a little high, but home.

i then crashed out like i have never crashed out before. then dragged myself up and out to Barfly to see the Stayaways

[ myspace.com/stayaways]

play. met their significant others

[wonderful amazing fantastically fun girls]

the gig was a tad disappointing, no fault of the boys, the sound tech was really off and they knew it. it was hard for them to get back onto their feet. but i sold some of their singles and got more names for the mailing list

[whoever recorded them this time was fantastic, the sound was so much warmer, not so tinny and cold, just really really good.]

and hung out with very nice people. so it was a good night. im glad that my first night back wasnt one locked in my room, that it was with people. it feels like a change, a good change for me. truly a new year.

then...the past two days i have been sitting here in my room watching Lost. yes boys and girls, i am now into Lost. i have come to care about all of those crazy people on that crazy island

[with the exception of michelle rodriguez. man i fucking hate her. dont know why, i think its that chip on her shoulder, she just isnt cool enough, for me, to pull that off.]

while those two days have been good to me, i am now beginning to get a little restless. i am eager to get back to work of some sort. i have some calls to make, and i guess some emails to send, but i am just hoping, praying that someone will call soon and hire me. i need to feel useless.

otherwise, what am i to do tomorrow. i guess i could clean up my room. go to a museum or something. thats probably a good idea. get up early. be a motivated consumer of art.

its strange living

[i was going to say here, but thats not really what i mean]

living without any real purpose. at college i had papers to write something to work towards...my degree...but here, there is nothing to work towards. just the next job to look forward to, the endless contemplating my

[non-existent and quite potentially pathetic]

love life.

[the previous sentence was not entirely true but im feeling a tad down so i cant listen to the monty python boys in their infinite wisdom]

ok it is time to combat the onset of depression. time to create something for me to do while i while away the hours waiting for someone to call.

now to find what exactly that will be...

a time off

it's been quite a while. i think its been fine though, considering most of those who read what i write, i am seeing now.

but just a few thoughts and some wrapping up.

first the wrapping up.

christmas was wonderful, full of family and christmas morning was perfection. my family in the room, coffee, pastries, bagels and pomosas

[a sarah invention of course]

then we flew to virginia and spent time with other family...wonderful.

new years was perfect, the exact right way to ring in the new potential of the coming year. first party in brooklyn with my boys

[oh how i adore my boys, so fantastic individually and so cohesive and wonderful as a crew]

then to philly at the ungodly hour of 7 am. where we descended on the girls who remained, and had a time that felt like the combination of home and excitement. its hard to describe feeling so perfectly understood and challenged when it is not your family. but i guess they are really my family, and its just reinforcing that idea which seems strange to me, but not strange at all.

but really, the impetus to write was not to wax about my amazing friends. it was because whilst in philly i discovered a magazine about indie music and culture called sentimentalist. its cool because it made me go back and listen to tracks off the new editors album. the power of the article about them was such that it made me interested in an album i had no interest in whatsoever. but what was cool was that listening to the tracks made me remember how editors made me feel.

their songs are rather down, not lively and poppy. but comfortable and not morose. but something about the musical construction makes me feel full of hope for the future. strange, not like say the hives who make me feel just happy. editors make me feel hopeful and pensive without being heavy or sad.

i like that.

its just one more aspect of music that is coming to light for me.

awesome.