i am so sore

i worked yesterday. on a music video for a guy called Doug Walker for a song called The Mystery. to be honest, i kind of hate the song now, but the video was fun. it was very do it yourself, a lot of imagination. it was very hard work, the morning was spent hauling equipment up stairs. then hanging around the set. i was sent out to exchange helicopters for ufos that fly. that was way fun. i loved helping out the art department.

i think what i realised was that its really hard to be a runner when you dont have a goal in mind. i think if i knew i wanted to be a production designer or something it would be easier to sell myself. but i dont know that. maybe thats why i am here, to figure that out.

ive been thinking about graduate school. but i think one of the only reasons i was thinking that is so that i could stay here. its tempting, but im not sure i can justify spending money just to stay here. especially because the program im looking at is not perfect, its not exactly what i want. maybe i could make it what i want, but part of me is thinking that film school should be films school or else it is just pointless. on the other hand film school is pretty pointless as well

[from everything ive heard]

so maybe its better to have a combined theoretical and practical program that will give me the skills that i need but also let me do the intellectual thing that i so love. oh man this is a hard thing to think about. because i have just convinced myself its a good thing. plus i can do it part time which would give me time to work as well...good god.

so ted kennedy endorsed obama, thats great. i hope that our optimism and innocence can come back. thats what the kennedy name should do, lets hope it works.

im re-watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. god it was pretty brilliant until about halfway through. the writing remained great, but the story got lost in the love plots. i think its because they knew they weren't going to get renewed and they wanted to tell the story completely. but i kinda love it, its sorta perfect in its precisecity.

[thats not a word, but hey...]

i want direction, i want to know what i want to do. i think its gonna help that i am editing primarily for k. that will help. i want a skill set. i want to be really good at one particular thing. and sometimes i think the way to do that, to become clear is at school. good christ!

[what is wrong with me, i have wanted to work in the world for so long, but it turns out that i am really just impressive because of the amount i did while i was in school...]

pffft. i just dont know...any advice????