a crisis of confidence

i know its sunday and that this is a tad premature. but no one has called or written. not even for an interview.

k texted saying that she has someone coming in full time starting this week. and that we should catch up about my availability mid-week. this started this spiral into crisis. nowhere does it inherently say anything about her not needing me any more, but it

[in my fear induced and self doubting state]

is hinted at around the edges. what if she doesn't need me anymore because of this person who is probably an actual professional? then what if no one calls because they don't need someone they don't know. what am i going to do? go home? maybe its the sign that i shouldn't be here anymore, that i got all that i needed from this place and it is time to return home...

the problem is that i don't want to go. home to the place that is less frightening, easier, more comfortable. and if i were to leave, i would never forgive myself. i would feel like i ran away home when the going got tough,

[instead of getting going like the adage implies]

i need a win right now. in some form, ill take just about anything. mostly because i am embarrassed about being unemployed. like it is my fault, a reflection of my unworthiness, that i am not valuable to anyone. i need something right now that reminds me why i did this crazy huge scary risk. reminds me why i am here and why i have wanted to be here for so long.

i don't know what any of this means, even if it has meaning, or maybe this is just the way things fall. i feel as if i am standing vulnerable and naked on the top of a mountain, open to the whims of fate.

but i can't keep putting this on fate, or the universe. but i don't know what i can be doing that would change the outcome. i think i have done everything that i can, and that i continue to do whatever i can in order that i get employed.

i can't help returning to what if this is because i am not worthy, or supposed to be here. its strange, but i cry over being unemployed. my self worth is sort of wrapped up in being useful and good at what i do. what if i am not as good as i previously thought i was.

i am so scared that this is all somehow my fault.