wierd....

its february. thats bizzarre. time is passing so incredibly quickly. but actually, even though i have decided and

[am soon to]

book my ticket home in april, i am not sad i am leaving. it has given me a lightness. like i only have a year to live...dont get me wrong, i am going to continue to apply for jobs and such, but there is an excitement i have about it now. there is no pressure. thank god.

i have realised that 6 months is no where near enough time to create contacts and to get steadily working. im not excusing myself

[i mean i am sort of]

but more than that, i am beginning to understand my limits...strange how growth is.

but i think the reason i am ok with this, is that i know its not the last time im going to be here and live here

[even though sometimes in bad moments i think so]

no, if i can't find a way back here job-wise, im going to go back to school. grad school and such. i need to find a way to pay for it

[crap]

but there is a great program at the university of east london that is very exciting for me.

this time here has been unbelievably important for me. i feel like i have discovered me and have been able to live in it. really live in it. its been amazing...and i have three months left here.

i am very excited now to go home, to find more jobs, to do a similar thing at home.

never before have i felt the importance of the sun and spring, i am so excited for spring for some reason.

[strange]

ive been watching studio 60 on the sunset strip. it has its pitfalls of course, it did lose its way about a third of the way through the series, and i completely understand why it got cancelled. saying all that though, the writing was great all the way through. the characters are amazing the setting is wonderous. i love the behind the curtain stuff

[even though it probably just adds to my sense of delirium about what reality is]

it makes me sentimental to working on a television show.

[not that i have ever worked on a television show...]

i want the community and the stress of show time and all that crap. i am excited. who the hell knows why.

good television, its not an oxymoron, it is possible and i want to work on it.