A [not so early] contemplation of the day before

Wednesday i went to Canterbury. met a friend i haven't seen for a year and a half. it was good to see her. the last time we saw each other, it was a kind of awkward goodbye, but this time, out of the emotional place, it was a different experience of our friendship for me. very nice. basically the whole trip was a good one, with many different kinds of feeling included and liked. everyone i saw was excited to see me [or at least that's what i felt like] it was very nice.

i have realized that while i am away from this place, i can romanticize how everyone felt about me, but when i get back i am always scared that it was all just a dream. that because i never lived with anyone i am actually not that close or liked by any of them. the nice thing is when i see them, i realize most of my romanticizations were true.

it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

and today i go to City Rockers Records and help them post on community websites or something. i have asked if they need help on a volunteer basis, and they have said yes. i figure its better to work with them in some capacity, paid or unpaid, rather than sit here and be disappointed. maybe i will become so spectacular they will hire me. or at the very least they will keep me in mind when they can hire someone.

i also need to find an actual paying job. this scares me more than anything rightfully should i must say. i feel so unprepared for "normal" jobs. oh running productions, wrangling people, making a piece of art go, that doesn't scare me the way asking for a job pulling pints does. its backwards i know. but the former is where my talents lie, and the latter i have no experience in...crap.

but i gotta make money, and what was that thing that Eleanor Roosevelt said about doing something that scares you everyday? alright woman, I'm getting to it!

and now...my daily brief on the Huffington Post... the thing that struck me today was the article [an ongoing one] on the CNN/YouTube debates. it started with being concerned with the very fact of CNN and YouTube getting together to put on a debate. this particular article was accusing CNN of being skewed. that they were much more selective about the questions for the Republican debaters than they were for the Democrats. For me that is a subconscious prejudice, that the democrats are more techno-savvy and will thus submit questions just to poke, prod and tempt the Republicans in to going on some sort of juicy rant.

but really, they had good point, some of the questions for the democrats were intense, with language that was personal and pejorative, but the one questions they let through about being gay in the military was maligned by saying the man was connected with the Clinton campaign. what bullshit i must say.

it really got me thinking though about new forms of media and a behemoth like CNN trying to control something so naturally democratic

[anarchistic]

as YouTube. They have appropriated its cool factor, the do-it-yourself-it-ness of the website, which should be a good thing. However it has become somewhat menacing, in the cynical place we all live in. We should be celebrating that CNN, a powerful news institution is using its resources, but all i can see is how they are attempting to take YouTube and turn it into something they can use and mold into what they need.

i hope that is not what happens in the world, that i am just being overly cynical. it would be great to have the untapped power of the Internet bring some anarchy to the insular news media, but all i can see happening is the news media bringing structure and control to the wild Internet. much like an older man attempting to tame his wild new wife.

[why is it always women who are the wild untapped ones and the older men the ones attempting to bring the structure?]

i'm back

just read an article about the wga strike and new media.

[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-spies/online-powers-the-picket-_b_74258.html]

the thing that strikes me the most is when she talks about the democratizing nature of internet media. she said with everyone blogging and making mobile scripts etc. ect. ect. she didn't know where the money was going or how everyone is getting paid. i just had a vision of money becoming irrelevant, bringing us towards a more utopian ideal of whatever. it must be an exciting time to be an entertainment lawyer, new ground is being broken and new worlds are being explored.

how fantastic!

Day started off gross...

so yesterday started off not good, i felt really disgusting. ill and useless. but then i made some food

[that seems to be my thing recently]

and a friend i made at the hostel called me up and we went out...on a date? i believe. how utterly strange. he was very nice and polite and well, normal. but it was fun and we saw Sleuth. Which i LOVED. i thought it was amazing. not much happened, but Kenneth Branagh made what i like to think of as cinematic theater. he staged it like he was staging theater but used cinematic tricks. i was just amazed. making filmed theater is so difficult, but Branagh made it work. It certainly helped that he had two actors who simply loved what they were doing. relished in the roles they had been given and the time they had on screen. i haven't seen in a long time a camera that loves and actor as much as the camera loves Michael Caine's lines and all the emotion leaking out of them. it was so excellent. shocking and twisted and cold and demented. Branagh did the theater thing of making the environment a representation of the main character's internal state, but the brilliant thing is that it was created by his wife! the crux of the film. it was a power struggle in the most classic sense. and it was explored in every frame, every image and every object placed in this film.

i liked it.

then we went to a pub called Tommy O'Flanagans. It had excellent music playing, photos of 60's pop icons on the walls, it was a fantastic pub. and they want experienced bar staff. i would love to work there, but i am so not experienced. i think though i am going to go today and see how devoted they are to that experienced label. we shall see. i hope i sell it right!

then off to canterbury to see the folk that i missed last time, and to see again the folk that i saw.

What constitutes a good day

this one will probably be short...

[famous last words]

thus far, today is what constitutes a good day. awoke after a restful night's sleep. made breakfast in my new kitchen

[alone]

made the excellent cup of coffee

[much harder to do in a French Press (the last one at Morrison's!)]

and read the Huffington Post. where i stumbled onto this article about former press secretary David McClellan.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jay-rosen/a-world-made-more-opaque_b_73896.html

it was an excellent article, not only for talking about what relationship the press secretary has to its press corps, but also it helped explain what vision of power this white house has, and just how dangerous and anti-democratic it actually is. very exciting.

[the huffington post is a favourite of mine at the moment, everything from film to just off the bus political reporting is going on. and a huge variety of writers, intelligent ones too!]

the man who wrote the article is named Jay Rosen and he has a blog himself, PressThink

http://journalism.nyu.edu/pubzone/weblogs/pressthink/

its subject line is the ghost of democracy in the media machine. methinks it shall be interesting...

lets find out shall we????

A Dearest Letter flies home

J went home. it was really a very hard day. in so many more ways than what was obvious. To start, we missed J's flight by like five minutes, not even. which blew. then there was the ensuing bureaucracy...gotta love it. but then came the hard part. we sat there in the airport, looking at each other across the table in

[one of the many]

pret a manger. with every minute that went by, it felt more normal that she was there and therefore harder to say goodbye.

to be honest, this morning i woke up thinking, this won't hit me now. it will hit me at some inconvenient time in the middle of the week. that this incredibly important person to me has left me, alone. not only alone here in this strange city, but alone here in this strange world.

[she is pretty intrinsic in my life, can ya tell?!?]

but we said goodbye, didn't cry, nearly did, but just didn't. then the tube was messed up on the way home. it was such a good metaphor. it just didn't work, took me a while to get home. which allowed me to listen to my music which reminded me why i am here, in this music capital of the world. then i was home, watched The Mighty Boosh

[new season is out!!!!],

made a sandwich, then more TV.

[catching up on all the stuff i missed in the last two weeks]

then i made dinner, very tasty. watched some top gear. and spent some time with my new housemates. it was very nice, quiet, not busy or too much. then more TV.

and just now, when i went downstairs to make some tea, they were watching The Mighty Boosh. On TV! in the craziness of the last few weeks i have forgotten that i get to watch all the British television in real time that i want!

and my housemates WATCH the Mighty Boosh.

[if anyone doesn't know what television show i am talking about, then first of all, you have been tuning out during my rants, or haven't been spending much time around me.]

my point is...go to Youtube.com and type in Mighty Boosh. watch any of the episodes, two guys who have adventures and sing songs. it is brilliant, demented and hilarious...and my housemates watch it!

i always look at situations or events in my life as signs along this roadtrip that i am on. the name of a restaurant, or show

[Brooklyn British Mersey Beat Soul explosion for example]

or the fact that people in my life watch something

[immensely popular in this country]

that i love.

anyway, i like it. makes me smile. lets hope this smile lasts for a while; until i get busy at least.

KOKO and frolicking in a land where boys dance with each other

last night J and I went to KOKO, a club on Camden High Street, right across from the Morning Crescent tube stop. I have heard all about it, The Libertines, The Sex Pistols, The Clash [heart flutters], Madness, infamously played there, as was Charlie Chaplin a headliner in 1900. Way Cool.

anyway, J and i went to see a group from Glasgow called We Are The Physics. They were awesome! Punk Rock played by skinny boys with astigmatisms and thick accents. the songs were short and intense, filled with energy, lots of chanting, not a lot of singing, but a whole hell of a lot of stage presence.

(For anyone interested, they are on myspace at myspace.com/wearethephysics)

they were seriously fun.

More importantly, oddly enough, MGMT is playing at the same time slot next week,

[along with two other bands, one I'm pretty excited for, The Courteeners, the other i can't remember the name, but who are a tad ambient for me.]

that is really very exciting, the last time i tried to see them, i failed spectacularly, getting there only for the last two songs. so this time i think i shall be victorious, plus they are playing the night before at a different bar like ten [walking] minutes from my house. rock on rock on.

most importantly though, nearly every song they played to dance to, was one, rock/pop n' roll, and two i knew. it is wonderful to be back in the world where boys go out to dance, even if it is only with one another. no more forced boys night out where they seek the fairer sex. i mean, yes, they certainly seek the fairer sex, but here it seems like just another reason to go out rather than THE reason to go out. it is nice. plus they look silly and fantastic jumping around insanely.

and the outfits, oh the outfits. boys in skinny jeans, girls in boots, vests [waistcoats] ran amok with seriously ratted out hair all mod-tastic and what not.

[the girls and boys, not the waistcoats]

You thought Bard was hipster, hoooh boy you have no idea!

all in all, i think i am exactly in the right place for me to be.

tonight is J's last night, which is very sad. i am hoping i don't chicken out and run back to Canterbury at least for the first few nights here by my lonesome.

which reminds me! Thanksgiving. I'll do it short and sweet, it was nice, very nice. down to canters where J and I cooked. Just five of my friends, good food and nice conversation. Plus she got to meet the important people, save one. but that's a story that is endlessly boring and repetitive. alas, a whirlwind visit to canters is not enough time to see everyone. ah well.

so, here's to the next step: the job search. Found a website, and ya know, if it comes down to it, I'll try for something in a record store, bookshop, video palace, whatever.

[they think they're so superior cos they work in a record store!]

pictures are soon to come, i left my usb cord so i need to obtain one before pictures can be shared. but rest assured, they will be!

Avant Garde and keys

today all i had to do was pick up my key and drop off a deposit. i have a key! a thing with which to lock and unlock a door to a house that will hold me for a while. very nice. so j and i went to the British library to look at the avant garde exhibition. it was wonderful, exciting and inspiring.

part of me wishes that we didn't live in an era that was so much like the future. that there was more mystery in technology, that one didn't have to be an expert in their field to understand or expand. i guess you don't have to be, but if one is not, it seems like Everest.

this exhibit was nice because it reminded me of the possibilities of the future, and what we are all meant to do, yes, in a fate sort of way. there seems to be something bubbling 'neath the surface, a passion, a manifesto, a cohesive philosophy something that would rock a foundation or tradition of some sort. i can't wait until it comes tumbling over the sides of our consciousness.

SUCCESS!!!

so today was an excellent day. it started out discouraging, but ended on a high note.

we started with a plan, then changed the plan, then changed the plan completely. wait...let me explain...i came here wanting to live alone. i wanted my own place with no one around. then i saw a studio flat in Willesden Green. a nice enough neighbourhood, but the flat was so tiny and so....alone. i realized that i would be alone, at the end of the day it would be just me.

i can't do that. i am too much of a hermit already. living alone in a strange city would just increase my likelihood of retreating, not a good plan for me.

so we changed our plan of attack entirely. i decided to look for a flatshare. a frightening thought, but it ended up being a good one.

we saw three, the first nice, in a nice place with nice people. the second in a VERY nice place with people that may have not been the best to live with. then came the last. it was in Camden, a tiny tiny room in a house. but it was perfect!
yes, very small, but in a house with the possibility of moving to a bigger room. but the room was so great, fantastic space with a fabulous patio. i am just so happy. it is perfect for me. and now J is here to make sure the people like me, and to make the room work in all its tiny glory.

A moment to remember forgetted things

there are things i forget. like how beautiful sunrises and stars are at 40,000 feet. i have always proclaimed the virtues of night flights but it really is not only practical, it is magic. As the West Wing says, they are great "because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Asking important questions. Talking about the idea that nobody has thought about yet." it allows us to be poets.

the flight was good [ i know i am doing this backwards, but these are my recollections, and this is the way the arrive in my head] i found myself dreading getting off. it was a safe space, a warm liminal space that let me forget about all the scary things i had to do in the world. but i left, because i had to-on many levels- and it ended up well.

this is difficult, and i think we instinctively know that. which may be why people don't move all the time. i had been fooled. we moved quite a bit for the first six years of my life but it was never really hard, never my responsibility. i just went from place to place all exciting and what not, none of the hard part. i guess that is what being a grown up is...

tomorrow we go to see apartments and set up more appointments... i am excited!

a landing...not quite crash but pretty hard

we came in yesterday, thank god j is with me. our flight was delayed for two hours before take off, and then the train with my ginormous bags, where i felt pretty stupid, then the tube, then the stairs coming out of the tube, then the hostel where we couldn't get into our room for...half an hour... no, actually the trails were littered with extraordinarily friendly people giving us help and a friendly smile, joke or wittiscism... the first night was actually good, we saw the world's tiniest studio, we took a nap, then went out to look for food, slightly unsuccessfully, but we did feed ourselves, then back to the hostel for some west wing. i know, i live the high life, but it was good, it made me feel like home.

today was nice actually, we woke early and had breakfast, then looked through the newspaper endlessly and called. then we went on sort of a goosechase. down to gloucster road to a letting agency, [which might be a good option] then tried to see a flat but my directions were off, so no viewing today. so we became resolute about figuring out where things ACTUALLY are. then we came back and had dinner, nice fish and chips, [yum] and were bought drinks by whom i think was the owner, which was odd to say the least.

however, the hostel people are nice, sweet and for some reason like us.

it has been as J says classic, we circle things in the newspaper sitting next to the window in a pub. i loved that. we also wandered around SoHo and i remembered why i want to live here.

its hard sometimes to remember, because i love home so much. and miss my parents, but then i see the city, watch people interacting, wander through these amazing streets. what i need is a job and an apartment, to start living a life, not searching for one.

The last few days before i left were very hard, but also sort of a blur because i kinda denied all that was going on. i went to Philly to visit friends which was so incredibly important to me. seeing them in their new life was great, i can't wait until they actually have jobs and a life that i can pop in and out of. right now it feels a little like a vacation, but they have JUST moved in so i SUPPOSE thats okay. the night before i left i went to show in the city, Locksley was playing which was so fantastic, because they not only are amazing, but also played I Saw Her Standing There as their encore. which was pretty much a sign...also that it was called the Brooklyn British Mersey Beat Soul Explosion. ummmm...a sign i think...

Count-down to Take-off

so this is the first, of what i hope is a pretty regular posting habit.

i feel pretty silly, but really, i want to share my experience over there and its really hard to let EVERYONE know whats going on. [ain't i lucky to have SO many friends!]

rest assured there will still be personal e-mails, but this will cut down i hope on repetition... i hope.

really feel it, but Now that prologue is done, you may be asking yourselves why i am writing before i have taken the plunge. well, honestly, its because i am scared. quite scared, to the point where i don'tI'm doing something so huge, i must be scared. right?

i am really lucky, my parents are wonderful and supporting me, but it doesn't help my doubts. it seems silly to harp on it, but i have created this life here, which is fabulous, so why should i leave? but the answer is obvious to me at the same time, the reason i have been so lucky is so that when i come back, i have something and many people to come back to. now the knowledge of all that still doesn't make it any easier.

on the other hand, i am psyched. really very excited. it is so big and so incredible that i have this opportunity.

wow this writing certainly does help, i feel oddly at peace now. in a happy state of excitement, but not so much that my heart beats too fast.

for now, i am content with preparation and visiting friends in new places.