the movie hangover feeling.....

unfortunately it has been FOREVER since i had a movie hangover...which sucks...but i am constantly reminded that thats why i go to shows....

i have been really lucky

[with my life in general]

and specifically thursday, friday and today....i am going to O2 wireless festival...yes a VERY corporate festival, but whatever, its Hyde Park, its sunny and good people are playing...oh yes, its free!

so thursday was interesting...the festival started, and the clouds were certainly threatening

[one of the reasons i love london is the fact that it can go from being fucking hot to a scary ass downpour in seconds]

roisin murphy was on stage, what a fucking nutcase, with the costumes and the performance...i liked her, not so much the music, a tad repetitive for my tastes but i could definitely see why she is popular, and rightfully so...

ok so halfway through the set it was like the sky just fucking lost it. torrential rains, scary biblical type rains...people screaming trying to get to the nearest tent, and it was fucking cold... but roisin murphy continued on, impressive.

AND THEN, it sorta stopped, well enough for us not to be fussed about going outside. we went and stood where Hot Chip were about to come on. they did and started. but they couldn't hear themselves, the beats were out of sync, etc...they said fuck this, we're coming on again. so the technicalities were fixed and they came out and started. And the sun broke. people's umbrellas came down, cheers went up and the rest of the genius set was played in sunshine.

hot chip are incredible. not only are the phenomenal musicians, really interesting beats created, the samples and the sounds fitting together in a fantastic way, the words fabulous and hilarious and thoughtful, BUT they are ALSO awesome performers. you just want to watch them play, want to see how they move and how they present themselves on the stage. its just really fucking cool.

THEN there was mark ronson, interesting, not AMAZING, but enjoyable to watch.

BUT jay-z came on. now i am sorta partial to rap, sometimes. but he is just awesome. a really generous performer, loving the fact that the crowd loves him and loves them right back. he also did two politically motivated songs. i swear when obama gets elected it will be partially due to jay-z and conor oberst. then he did a song about katrina...heartbreaking.

then friday. more amazing then i can handle to be honest. i met conor oberst. one of the nicest men i have EVER met. so genuine and looks you in the eye while talking to you. generous and gorgeous and sweet with beautiful songs. he played a song for us, there were three, THREE people in the room. i will never forget things like that. and then i saw BECK live. i will probably NEVER get over that. he is just an incredible artist, yes he is a crazy scientologist, but we knew the fucker was mad as a hatter anyway, so who the hell cares! he is amazing. he did a fantastic mix of old stuff and his new, brilliant stuff. he played every amazing song he has

[well not every one, cos that show would be like 10 hours long, i don't think there is one of his songs that i don't like]

but i was just so struck by him

[a little jesus lookin, or at least how i think a jesus type would look today, black on black, red tshirt, ray bans, a fedora, old well loved guitar, with long blonde hair and a 5 piece band]

but also by his awesome band. a chick guitarist who was just the embodiment of cool, a geeky ass bassist who was fantastic, drummer who knew his shit, and the two crazy weird noise makers....whatever i was floating. i am dying to see him again, would LOVE to see him in a show where its only him and the people who fucking love him.

we had to bounce before morrissey. now i like international playboy but the rest of his stuff not so much, plus morrissey fans tend to be asses and i just didn't want anything to ruin the high i had.

now today is a dancy day [not that the other two days haven't been] but some smaller bands which will be cool. does it offend you yeah is playing which will be awesome.

[im hoping we can engineer a way to get the physics to support them...heres hoping]

but mostly today is a chilled out day, no interviews for e, just essentially chilling out, drinking some and hopefully meeting up with a after the festival...if he ever texts me back!

good days....

is it wrong?

so im watching Dexter. the second series of it. this episode, an inconvenient lie, Dexter goes to NA. he has this cathartic moment when he says that he is feeling something for people who never mattered before. and it scares him.

is it wrong to understand and even identify with a character that is supposed to be a serial killer. i know i know, all you out there who know me well would say, well of course she does...AND i know that the whole point of the show is to show that anyone is really a minutiae away from stepping over that line...or is it trying to...i dunno...anyway...that's what really struck me minutes ago.

it sounds a little crazy and a little melodramatic, i know. but im going through something a little hard right now. someone has gotten under my skin...that hasn't really happened to me in a long while and its hard. i have just gotten the last one out of my system, i wasn't ready to have another worm its way in...i guess thats how it goes though. you can't get over someone until you fall for another one. but i don't know this one that well, is my imagination really THAT good?

i feel stupid. like i am going to go through these cycles of unbelievable happiness followed by a whole lotta pain followed by feeling not much for a long while.

i guess its shocking to feel intensely again, maybe thats what this is about. im out of practice, but how does this get easier? should it get easier? do i want it to get easier?

then again, do i want to fall deep and hard for someone over and over again in quick cycles? would that be possible or would my heart harden from the stress...

and through all this, my brain rages, it feels pretty stupid to be making such a deal over a boy i've met a handful of times...

i think i just want the excitement back. yes. i miss that.

wowza!

its been nearly a month since i last posted....oops.

quite a lot has happened thus far. i came back to london,

[woot!]

and then to california to spend time with the loves of my life, my dearest friends. it was incredibly important to do and a wonderful time.

oh! i also turned 23 in that month away....i got MASH, the entire series of it. so i have been steeped in it for the last few weeks. which is amazing, excellent and all other hyperboles to describe it. there are so many things that this show does that are so important. and it makes you laugh at the same time. just genius...

im very very tired recently, i think im still recovering from jet lag the first time around...i have a lot to do, apply to university, among them....im really nervous about the whole thing....

i wish i could write more now but i just can't right now...i hope ill get to it soon.

but for now...bye!!!

waiting

while waiting for the science of sleep to come on, i am watching the last half hour of practical magic. it is nowhere as good as the book, but no matter what i am always effected by it.

[well im always effected by family stuff, no matter how bad, mothers and daughters, fathers and daughters, sisters...]

its at times like this that i realise i am a sap. a total and utter sap. its accelerated by the fact that i am going back to london tomorrow. its the right thing and i am so excited for it but its always hard to leave my family. especially after being here for so long.

its completely cheesy but i love my family. they are so cool and funny and smart and comfortable. i mean they are not without their flaws as everyone is but those are flaws that i can handle and embrace even.

the one

[well there are many]

bright side to leaving is that i get to see my sister at the end of next week. something i always am excited for. i really do love her, no matter what. that is an intense bond that no one and nothing can usurp.

im really lucky. i know that. and it makes it that much harder

[and a huge amount easier]

to live my own life.

but now...the science of sleep.

a fantasy world that i can repair to.

a corner of my mind that someone else has created.

Neverwas

i am watching a film called Neverwas. it is a brilliant and magical film. it is the story of a man coming to terms with his father's mental illness and magical world he created. this film is quickly becoming one of my favourites. it has incorporated insanity, fantasy and a journey for truth, played out in the relationship between parent and child.

the line between insanity and fantasy is so thin, one mans delusion is another's fairy tale. it makes one think about the definitions of reality.

[warning- a pedestrian sentence...]

what is so great about the standard definition of reality. i so want magical realism to be real, and for me it is a good deal of the time, but i want to wholeheartedly believe in it in a way that i just can't yet. mostly because i am afraid if i do give in, then i will be disappointed in my imagination or ...well...committed.

what really got me up to write was the relationship between parent and child. in the film, the father [creator of Neverwas] was dealing with manic depression amongst a score of other things that go along with it. but the thing that struck me was the fight he was having against the black hole that was swallowing him as he fell deeper and deeper in love with his son. how does one balance that? balance what goes on in the deepest, darkest parts of ones mind, soul, psyche and the dependence of a child or loved one.

i wonder sometimes, why my fascination with mental illness. the easy thing to wonder is is it because i fear my own mind, do i fear what my mind is capable of...but in good moments i don't actually believe i have anything to fear from mental illness. an overabundance of thought, quite possibly. but sometimes i do worry if i let the thought run rampant, its course as i know it wants to, will i descend into madness? i also worry that i wont. that i dont actually have it in me. that i am utterly normal.

the film is diverging into a brilliant path. it is when reality clashes with someones delusion and what happens to those caught in the middle of it.

we could all do with a little more fantasy in our lives. more symbols, metaphors that become real enough to us to help us through when we deem life to be mundane. i think that is the reason for imagination. life is hard, cruel and cold at times. relationships between people and the relationship one has with the imaginary is the only way to survive with your soul in tact.

[i know i am going to look back on this and think, how trite but these are the thoughts animating my soul]

i so wish i could be more like G, fascinated by light playing on glass, bits and bobs floating in the air. i am this way, i just forget i guess.

the ending line is 'once again i lived as i dreamed'

i hope one day i can have the strength to do exactly that.

pondering...it really is a great word

i sit here waiting for a file to render in final cut pro

[so i can actually get some work done]

and pondering

[ i do love that word, its like defenestration or marinate among many many more]

weather or not i should take a nap in front of the tv so that i can get up in a few hours and get a proper amount of work done, or if i should give up the ghost and just do the work tomorrow.

knowing me i will decide to take a nap in front of the tv but then will sleep through the time i want to work and just be pissed off at myself.

ah well, i can always try.

i have discovered a blog, a friend of mine is writing Thoughts Of Utmost Importance From A Great Mind its really quite funny. and strange in the best way possible.

i saw iron man tonight. it was hella cool. just amazing. fun, hilarious and entertaining. robert downey jr is genius. absolutely holding his position as one of my all time favourite actors ever.

i wish i was more witty at this moment, i want to be writing something interesting about television or politics or i dunno...something. but i am pretty dry at the moment. slightly stuck in this world of limbo. of unknowing

[or rather not knowing]

of waiting. stalling. it has been a good period of time for me though, let me understand that i am doing the right thing, moving to london for such an extended period of time. i just hope the universe thinks its a good idea as well.

im very frustrated that i feel so disengaged from the world. like imin a cocoon of some sort. maybe soon i can break out of it...

greetings from across the ocean

though not so across the ocean i guess...i am back in the US for a while. an unknown period of time that i am hoping is not all THAT long. it sounds horrible i know. but its not.

i love home. love it. thats part of the problem. the longer i stay here the harder it is for me to leave. plus there is all this stuff going on at home that i really want to do.

but the point isn't to complain. i have realised recently that mostly i used this area to ease my pain in the beginning. to soothe my loneliness and to keep me busy. but now that i am busy-crazy busy- im not writing. its sad. because the only record i have is the bad times and little snippets of the good things.

an update then...i am good. really really good. frustrated now but really really good anyway. i have amazing friends here and in london, a close supportive family and a job which while is very taxing, is one i love dearly.

i get to push myself and grow creatively while meeting cool people. i like it.

i was going to write about CSI now, the brilliance of the show and all that. i think i need to start using this space to talk about television and film in the way that i ramble to my friends about. its like publishing an academic essay without the bruhaha of all that. which is good, talk bullshit but not force anyone to actually listen to me:-)

i guess i will write in one of my journals and transcribe it to here. yes, this is what i shall do...my brilliance will come soon!